Category: bar & drinking

This five dollar bill walks into a bar and gets stopped by the guard.”Hey, what’s your problem?” the five says.”Get out of here!” says the guard.”But why?””This is a singles bar!”–Submitted by: Jennie

A vampire walks into a bar and asked the bartender for a glass of blood. The bartender goes out and butcher’s a pig, get’s a glass of blood and serves it to the vampire. The vampire drinks it, pays his tab and then leaves.
Next night, vampire walks into a bar and asked the bartender for a glass of blood. The bartender goes out and butcher’s a pig, get’s a glass of blood and serves it to the vampire. The vampire drinks it, pays his tab and then leaves.
Third night vampire walks into the bar asks the bartender for a glass of water, Bartender says to the vampire “I’m sorry sir, I don;t mean to be rude but your a vampire correct.” Vampire answers yes, Bartender says “well, the last 2 nights you have came in here and asked fror a glass of blood. What makes you want a glass of blood tonight?”
Vampire pulls out a tamponand says “tea time”

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey! How about it babe? You and me?”

As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”

She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch?”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.

“I dreamed I was on vacation,” one man said fondly. “It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream.”

“I had a great dream too,” said the other. “I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.”

His companion looked over and exhorted, “You dreamed you had two women, and you didn’t call me?”

“Oh, I did,” said the other, “but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing.”

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence?? – I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
10. “Norm!” is what they say when you enter the bar.
11. When you can focus better with one eye closed
12. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
13. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14. You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
15. If you keep asking your wife “where are the kids?”, but you don’t really have a wife and you’re talking to the refrigerator.
16. You fall off the floor.
17. You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
18. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
19. Had “Spuds McKenzie” tattoo removed, replaced it with “Red Dog.”
20. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
21. Beer: it’s not just for breakfast anymore.
22. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
23. Bob Dole starts to make sense.
24. When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
25. Vampires get woozy after biting you.
26. The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
27. At AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
28. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
29. When vomiting becomes a relief.
30. Having a hard time staying on the side walk – left, right, stumble, fall
31. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
32. Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
33. You think, Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
34. Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more attractive.
35. Hi occifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.
36. Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
37. No occifer, I’m not drunk… you’re just sober…
38. Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down… No Problem
39. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
40. Take me drunk, I’m home!
41. The bottle’s empty… that’s the problem!
42. Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
43. You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
44. Roseanne looks good.
45. Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
46. You drink to get over a hangover.
47. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
48. You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver’s license.
49. The Whisky Ain’t Working Anymore.
50. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
51. You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.
52. I’m as jober as a sudge!
53. You consider yourself a workaholic, because every time you go to work, you want to have a beer!
54. I slept with that damned pink elephant again.
55. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
56. Newt Gingrich… he’s soooo sexy.

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, “May I help you, sir?”The duck says, “Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass.”

A blind man and his dog walks into a bar.The blind man pick up his dog and starts spining him around,the bartender says to the blind man what are you doing to that poor dog.The blind man says iam looking around

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.One says to the other, “Jeez, I’d really like to dance with that girl.”The other man replies, “Well go ahead and ask her, don’t be a chicken shit.”So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, “Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?”Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, “I’m sorry. Right now I’m contemplating on matrimony, and I’d rather sit than dance.”So the man humbly returns to his friend “So what did she say?”asks the friend.The drunk responded, “She said she’s constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants.”

There is a fat man who has a kindney problem so he went to the doctors and the doctor said avoid fat where possible. the man stopped sleepping mext to his wife.

If a plane crashes on the border of Canada and the USA where do u bury the survivers? U DONT BURY SURVIVORS THEY SURVIVED!

Q: there are a black guy and a spanish guy in a car who is driving

A:the cops

Q; How do you drown a blond in a submarein?
A; knock.