Category: bar & drinking

I have been on your e-mail list for some time but have not gotten recent jokes. Do you still exist! I even re-registered and got jokes for a couple of days and then nothing.
from Bobbie Chase: [email protected]

1. You’d rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to “stay still.”3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. You’re convinced that chirping birds are Satan’s pets.5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, “Step right up and give it whirl!” 8. All day long your motto is, “Never again.”9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.10. Your natural response to “Good morning,” is “Shut up!”

Dear Alcohol,

I thought I’d take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you.

First and foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours… your many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling (different than beer goggling, which I’ll touch upon shortly.)

Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed – the perfect post work cocktail, a beer with the gang … and you’re even around in the holidays – hidden inside chocolates you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

Yet lately, I’ve been wondering about your intentions. You see, I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, but I feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity occurs at 5am.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my speciality, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce coupled with a pot noodle and some stale crisps (washed down with chocolate nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a bit too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should not take me more than 30 seconds to get the key into the front door lock.

4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs, Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, bras.

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. This is similar to the old “Hey, you’re in my class” syndrome circa 1986 at SU, and should heretofore be rendered illegal. Coupled with this is the phrase, ‘Let’s shag’. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.

Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings’ debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm Hangover Immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that if the proper steps are proactively taken on my part (i.e. water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be quite minimal and no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day, for that matter) activities. Come on now … it’s only fair – you do your part, I’ll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when we just don’t know what to do with the extra money in our pockets. In order to continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday at 6 pm (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters.

Sincerely, your biggest fan.

Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman sitting off in the corner. To have a little fun, one of them approached him.”Did y’know that St. Patrick was a sissy?” “Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye.” The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadn’t worked. The second decided to try.”Did y’know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?” “Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye.” The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadn’t worked. The third man knew he had the solution.”Did y’know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?” “Oh, no. But that’s what y’r friends hae been trying to tell me.”

You so ugly, they have your face on display in the halloween shop

This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, “I’d like to buy those two ladies a drink.” The bartender replies, “It won’t do you any good.” The man, with a confused look on his face says, “It doesn’t matter, I want to buy those women a drink.” The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, “I’d like to buy you two another drink.” The women both reply, “It won’t do you any good.” The man says, “I don’t understand. What do you mean it won’t do me any good?” The first lady says, “We’re lesbians.” The man replies, “Lesbians? What are lesbians?” The second woman replies, “Lesbians… We like to lick pussy’s.” The man says, “Bartender, three beers for us lesbians.”

Yo house is so dirty that the roaches and rats are scared to come in

This blonde just got done drinkin so she walks out of the bar and saw these two guys that were drinkin with her so she asked if she could have a ride. so they said sure jump in the tailgate so she does they start drivin down the rode, and the guys start to go off the road cause they are so drunk. so they went off a cliff and landed in the lake and the two guys got out ok but the bloned drownd cause she couldnt figure out how to open the tailgate.

Another guy walks into a bar with a one foot man sitting on his shoulder.

He ordered a beer.

The bartender was curious as he got the beer for the guy, but as he put the beer down on the bar, before the gut could reach it, the little man lept off his shoulder and picked up the beer and dumped it in the guys lap.

The guy sighs and asks for a shot of whisky.

As soon as the glass hits the bar, the little man threw the drink in the guts face and smashed the shot glass against the wall.

“I have to know…. where did you get that guy?”

“Well… I’ll tell you… I was walking on the beach, saw a brass lamp, rubbed it, and a geenie came out. He said I could have one wish. I asked for a twelve inch prick and this is what I got…”

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, when a Chinese man comes in. The Jewish man jumps up and punches him in the face.”Ouch!” the Chinese man says.”What was that for?””That was for Pearl Harbour,” the Jewish man says.”But I’m Chinese!””Chinese, Japanese, what’s the difference?”And the Jewish man sits back down.A few minutes later, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face.”Ouch!” the Jewish man says.”What was that for?””That was for sinking the Titanic,” the Chinese man says.”Sinking the Titanic??? But that was an iceberg!””Ice berg, Goldberg, what’s the difference?”

Starkle starkle little twinkwho the hell you are I thinkI’m not under what you callthe alcofluence of incoholI’m just a little slort of sheepI’m not drunk like tinkle peepI don’t know who is me yetbut the drunker I stand herethe longer I getJust give me one more drinkto fill me cup’cuz I got all day soberto Sunday up.:-)

Woman walks into a bar . . . totally nude and asks the barkeep if he can serve her a drink.
He looks her up and down and says, “Well sure, but it doesn’t appear by the your appearance that you’ll be able to pay for it.”

The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what she’s got, “Will this do?” she asks.

The barkeep takes a look and responds, “Ya got anything smaller?”