Category: bar & drinking

WHAT DO YOU CALL A MILLION BLACK PEOPLE STANDING AROUND THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING?

PUBES

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Hi stranger, my name is Mike. I’ll give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries.”

The man says, “Thanks…Mike’s Place?”

“Nope.”

“Mike’s Tavern?”

“No,”

“Mike’s Pub?”

“No, but here’s a free beer anyway. Nobody ever get’s it. The joint’s name is Sally’s Leggs!

“That’s a good one.” the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.

The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and ask’s him what he is doing there. He responds, “I’m just waiting for Sally’s Leggs to open, so I can wet my whistle!”

What Do You get when you cross an owl with a bungie cord?

:MY @$$

Yo mamma so skinny that she uses a Cherrio as a hula hoop.

Did you hear about the pommy taxidermist who went home because Aussies kept telling him to get stuffed?

An arm less man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?”

The bartender quickly replied, “The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.”

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ”WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?” he yelled. No one answered. ”ALL RIGHT, I’M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA’ BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN’T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I’M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON’T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!” Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ”Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, ”I had to walk home.”

One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, ‘What man out there will buy a lady a drink?’The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says, ‘Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink.’The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying,’What man out there will buy a lady a drink?’Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, ‘Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.’After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, ‘It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?’To which, the drunk replies, ‘Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.’

See that man over there who took off like a rocket, he caught his nuts in a electric socket.

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for
potential violators of the
driving-under-the-influence law. At closing time, the officer notices a patron
stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on six different cars
before finally finding his own. The fellow then opens his car door and proceeds
to sit in the front seat.

By now, everyone else has left the bar and driven off.

After some trouble, the fellow starts the engine and begins to pull away. The
police officer stops the driver in his tracks, reads him his rights and
administers a Breathalyzer test. Amazingly, though, the results show a reading
of 0.00. The puzzled officer demands to know how this could be. “I don’t get it.
You stumbled out of the bar, tripped on the curb and tried your keys on six
different cars before finally found your own. How can it be that you blow
0.00?”

Replies the driver, “Fooled you, sir… I’m just the designated
decoy.”

One day, a bar owner decided he had enough of the slow business and needed a gimmick. He finally decided on one. He got a horse and put it in the bar. He placed a sign over the horse and had the sign read.
“Pay $100, make the horse laugh win $1000” For years, the gimmick worked. Finally, a man walked into the bar saw the sign and asked, “Is that sign for real?” The bar owner told him it was.

The man paid $100, walked up to the horse and whispered something to the horse. The horse started to laugh falling to his knees.

The next day, the owner changed the sign.

Pay $100, make the horse cry, win $1000. For years the gimmick worked. One day, the same man walked into the bar and saw the sign. He paid the bar owner $100 and asked for a curtain. The man closed the curtain and then opened it a couple of moments later. The horse was now crying up a storm.

The man walked up to the bar owner and asked for his money. “Not so fast”, the bar owner said, “First you have to tell me what you did both times!” “Simple”, said the man, “First I told him I was bigger, this time I proved it”

A guy walks into a bar………..OUCH!!!!