Category: bar & drinking

A girl named Martha is opening a new bar but can’t think of a good name.

So she starts a contest, whereby whoever can think of a good name gets 100 free drinks.

The winner was a fellow who suggested “Martha’s Legs”.

On the bar’s first day of business, he arrived an hour before the establishment opened, and sat down on the curb to wait.

A policeman noticed him and asked what he was doing on the street.

The man replied “I’m just sitting here wating for ‘Martha’s Legs’ to open so I can get 100 free drinks.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A guy goes into a bar and says, “Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!” The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast. “Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!”
The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast. “Quick another beer before the trouble starts!”
The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast. “Quick another beer before the trouble starts!”
The barman replies, “Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?”

“I haven’t got any money!”

When God gave out brains
i thought he said trains,
and i missed mine.

when God gave out looks,
i thought he said books,
and i didnt want any.

when God gave out Noses,
i thought he said roses,
and i asked for a red one.

when God gave out legs.
i thought he said kegs,
and i ordered two fat ones

when God gave out ears,
i thought he said beers
and i ordered two long ones.

when God gave out chins
i thought he said gins,
and i ordered a double

when God gave out heads,
i thought he said beds,
and i asked for a soft one
Gee, am I a mess!!

A lady stumbles into a bar.

She says, “Beertender, give me a dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it.”

He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, “Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it.” He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, “Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and you better put two pickles in it, because… because I’ve got heartburn.”

The bartender says, “Look, lady…it’s not beertender, it’s bartender. It’s not a martuni, it’s a martini. It’s not a dribble, it’s a double. That’s not a pickle, it’s an onion. And you haven’t got heartburn, “

You have your left tit in the Ashtray!”

q; what do priests and acne have in common?
a; theydo not come on your face until you are thirteen!

your momma so fat when she jumped in the ocean all the whales sang we are family

Yo Mama is so fat that you have to spread her legs with a forklift.

A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He loop-legs it through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he’s been out jumping new bones.”Where the hell you been all night?” she demands.”At this fantastic new saloon,” he says.”The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.” “Bullshit! There’s no such place!” Guy says, “Sure there is! Joint’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal’s gold!” The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her old man’s story.”Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone.”Yes it is,” bartender answers.”Do you have huge golden doors?” “Sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?” “Most certainly do.” “What about golden urinals?” There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,”Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!”

why did the horse walk over the wall

A guy walks into a bar … once inside, he realizes it’s a gay bar, but he
decides, “What the heck, I really want a drink.”

So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, “What’s the
name of your penis?” The guy says, “Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want
is a drink.”

The gay bartender says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you until you tell me
the name of your penis�. So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is
sipping on a beer and asks, “Hey bud, what’s the name of your penis?” The man to
left, with a smile, looks back and says, “TIMEX�. The guy asks, “Why Timex?” The
fellow proudly replies, “Cause it takes a licking’ and
keeps on ticking’!”

A little shaken, the guy turns to the fellow on his right sipping on a fruity
margarita, “So, what do you call your penis?”

The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because quality
is Job 1″, he then ads, “Have you driven a Ford lately?”

Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a
name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of my
penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer.”

The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks,
“Why secret?” The guy says, “Because it’s strong enough for a man but made for a
woman!”

A man walks into a bar, sits down and drinks a beer. Then he drinks another beer, and another and…soon he needs to take a leak. He’s standing at the urinal in the men’s room, when he looks over and notices three black men standing at the other urinals. He notices that the one in the middle has a white cock. He zips up and, still a bit confused, goes back to the bar. He orders another brewsky and mentions to the bartender, “I was in the men’s room and noticed three black men in there. I swear the one in the middle had a white cock!

The bartender says, pointing, “You mean those three guys at that table over there?”

“Yes”, the man says, “They’re the ones.”

“Well,” replies the bartender, “those guys aren’t black. They’re coal miners. The one in the middle must have gone home for lunch.”

WHAT DO YOU CALL A MILLION BLACK PEOPLE STANDING AROUND THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING?

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