Drunk Confession

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?”

“I dunno.” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”

Gay family

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas.

The bartender asked, “what’s wrong,” and the guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay.

The bartender says, “he’s sorry about it.” After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas.

The bartender asked, “What’s wrong now,” to which the guy responds That he found out that his older son was gay, too.

The bartender says that he’s sorry. The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas.

The bartender burst out, “Isn’t anyone in your family gettin’ any pussy?!”

The guy gets really pissed and says, “Yeah, my wife!!!!!”

It looks like plastic.

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.”

Curious, the attorney asked, “What do you have there?”

The drunk replied, “I don’t know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

The attorney responded, “Let me take a look.”

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?”

The drunk replied, “Out of my nose!”

The Cellar

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else… After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I’m not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. I’m not drunk you shilly sit! �

Bathroom problems at the bar

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the bartender where the bathroom is.

The bartender said, go down the hall & make a right. Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom.

A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.

This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, “What’s all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away.”

The drunk said, “I’m sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”

With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, “No wonder, you’re sitting on a mop bucket!!

Cooking Turkey

20 Easy Steps to Cook a Turkey1. Go and buy a turkey.2. Take a drink of whisky (scotch or bourbon).3. Put turkey in the oven.4. Take another two drinks of whisky.5. Set the degree at 180 ovens.6. Take three more whiskies of drink.7. Turn oven the on.8. Take four whisks of drinky.9. Turk the bastey.10. Whisky another bottle of get.11. Stick a turkey in the thermometer.12. Glass yourself a pour of whisky.13. Bake the whisky for four hours.14. Take the oven out of the turkey.15. Take the oven out of the turkey.16. Floor the turkey up off the pick.17. Turk the carvey.18. Get yourself another scottle of botch.19. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.20. Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

New bar

A girl named Martha is opening a new bar but can’t think of a good name.

So she starts a contest, whereby whoever can think of a good name gets 100 free drinks.

The winner was a fellow who suggested “Martha’s Legs”.

On the bar’s first day of business, he arrived an hour before the establishment opened, and sat down on the curb to wait.

A policeman noticed him and asked what he was doing on the street.

The man replied “I’m just sitting here wating for ‘Martha’s Legs’ to open so I can get 100 free drinks.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis