Category: bar & drinking

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.

The bar tender freaks out. “You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I’ll beat the shit out of you…”

The man begins crying. “I’m sorry! Its ruining my life. I can’t sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It’s worrying me to death, please don’t hit me…”

The bar tender takes pity. “Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist,here’s his card, why don’t you see him?”

The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous…

Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.

The bartender says, “Okay, here you go… Wait! Weren’t you that guy who..”

“Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured.”

“Well, that’s great. This beer is on the house.”

So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.

“You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!”

“I am! It doesn’t bother me anymore…”

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically.
He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

”Aye, so I have. ‘Ties Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the
pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ‘Happy
Hour’ and they served these mar-gar-itos, which are quite good. I had four or
five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o’ course I had to go
in for a couple of Guinness — couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the
way home to get another bottle for later…” And the man fumbled around in his
coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, ”Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the
car and take a breathalyzer test.”

”Why? Don’t ye believe me?”

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, “Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy.” The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.”Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy”, again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, “Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn.”Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, “Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray.”

Walking into the bar, Mike said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah?” said Greg “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Mike replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”

“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”

“She said, come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit.”

Submitted by Curtis

An unhappy wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.

“What’ll you have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”

The guy, surprised, says “Yes….how did you figure that out?”

“Easy,” she replied. “You keep washing your hands.”

One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, “You must be a really good dentist.”

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Well yes, I’m a good dentist. How did you figure that out?”

“I didn’t feel a thing!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Two guys are talking in a bar..”My hobbies are huntin’ and drinkin’.” said Art.”What do you hunt?” asked John.”Somethin to drink,”

Ma and Pa are driving down the interstate and they get pulled over by a trooper. He walkes to the door and says “I pulled you over for driving to slow” Ma says WHAT DID HE SAY PA? He said were driving to slow ma. Let me see your liscence sir. What did he say pa? Ma he wants to see my drivers liscence! Pa gave it to him and the trooper says “hell I had a girlfriend from the same town your from, Worst head job I ever had” What did he say pa? Ma he says he THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!!!!

A guy walks into a bar and he orders a whiskey. He sits down and just before
he takes a sip of his whiskey a guy runs in and says, �Bill! Your house burnt
down!�

So he runs outside but then he thinks, �I don’t have a house.� So he goes back
into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.

Another guy runs in and says, �Bill! Your dad died!�

And so he runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways but
then thinks, �I don’t have a dad�.

So he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey when another
guy runs in and says, �Bill! You won the lottery!�

So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank but then
thinks, �My name’s not Bill.�

There’s this guy and he lives in the second largest state in America, which is California, and he want’s to live in the largest state of America which is Alaska.

So he goes there for a few weeks and decides he wants to become a fully-fledged Alskan, so he goes in this pub to ask a bar man what he has to do to become a fully fledged Alaskan.

The barnabs say’s “First you drink this liter of whisky, then you’ve got to kill a bear, and find a woman and rape her.”
The guy gets confused, so he asked the barman to repeat it.
He comes back a week later beaten to shit.

“What happened to you?” said the barman.
“I’m nearly a fully fledged alaskan, all I gotta do now is kill a woman”!

An American arrived in London, employed a guide, walked and got acquainted with the architecture. Soon he became bored with it: “Listen, my friend, why d`you have here everything small-sized? This building, for example, in America it would be in ten times bigger and higher…” “Sure, sir. It is a lunatic asylium.”

As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine,

“If that’s the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!”