Category: bar & drinking

Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, ”Where’s the bathroom?” The bartender points to the door and they rush in.

Two more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, ”Where’s the bathroom?” The bartender points to the door and they rush in.

One piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. ”Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?” says the bartender.

”No thanks,” the piggy slurs, ”I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way home!”

Customer: (to bartender) “My wife and I just got into a knock down, drag out fight!” Bartender: What happened? Customer: When it was all over, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees! Bartender: Wow! What did she say? Customer: She said, “come out from under that bed right now you coward or I’ll kick your butt again!!”

A duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “You got any fish?”

The bartender says, “No. This is a bar and we don’t sell fish” so the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck goes back to the bar and asks, “You got any fish?”

The bartender says,”I told you yeaterday. This is a bar and we don’t sell fish.”

Ther following day, the duck returns and asks,”You got any fish?”

The bartender looses it, grabs the duck bu the neck, and screams,”I TOLD YOU TWICE. THIS IS A BAR. WE DON”T SELL FISH IF YOU ASK AGAIN, I’M GONNS NAIL YOUR *@#& WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!”

The next day, the duck goes in the bar and asks, “Got any nails?”

The bartender sighs and says, “No, we don”t have any nails.”

The duck says,”Good. Got any fish?”

A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialled at random..”Salvation Army” came the answer.”What do you do?”asked the man.”We save wicked men and women,” came the reply.”Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night.”

What goes up and never touching sky or ground?answer:awater pump

So a guy walks into a bar… OUCH!

This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager.

The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes, “Brrr!”.

The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says, “Listen, if you ever do that again I’ll cut yer balls off!”

The gremlin says, “Ain’t got none!” “Well, I’ll cut off yer prick!” “Ain’t got one of them, neither.” says the gremlin.

“Well, how do ya pee?”

The gremlin smiled and said, “Brrr!”

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.

The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. “What’ll it be?” the bartender says.

The duck says, “I think I’ll have the grapes.” “Well, I’m sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don’t serve grapes here. Now, I’ll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want.”

The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. “Ok, you got your order?” The duck nods, saying, “I’ll think I’ll have the grapes.”

The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, “Look Mac, we don’t have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don’t serve grapes, so what will you have?!”

The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, “I’ll have the grapes.”

The bartender, enraged, shouts, “If you ask for the grapes one more time I’m going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!”

The bartender cools off a bit. “Now what will you get?!” “Got any nails?” “OF COURSE WE DON’T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?”

“Good, got any grapes?”

This man walks into a Gay Bar not knowing it’s a gay bar and sits down at a table some gay guy walks up to him and says “Wanna play football” The man says okay and thay go behind the bar the gay guy says “alright a burp is a touch down and a fart is a field goal. So the man says I’m goin’ for the feild goal and the gay guy gets a small grin on his face, the man bends over and is about to fart and the gay guy butt f***s him the man goes what the hell why you do that. The gay guy says I was trying to block your field goal.

YO MAMMAS SO DUMB SHE TRIED TO KILL A BIRD BY THROWING IT OFF A CLIFF!!

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At McDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink!” The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.”Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from, there’s this place called Warshowski’s. At Warshowski’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!” “Wow!” say the other two.”That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?””No,” replies the Polish guy, “but it happened to my sister!”

On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process.

This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, “Hey, you keep drinkin’, then jumpin’ off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you’re back again. How do you do it?”

“Well, the shot of tequila provides a buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It’s lots of fun. You should try it.”

The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought to himself, “Hey, why not?” So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo, splat!

The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, “Superman, you’re an asshole when you’re drunk.”