Category: bar & drinking

An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. ”So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” ”What makes you say that?” he asks, as he puts on an innocent face. ”The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse
was followed by a second long black hearse about fifty metres behind. Behind the
second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a lead. Behind him
was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man couldn’t stand the
curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog, ‘I am so sorry
for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen
a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?’
The man replied, ‘Well, that first hearse is my wife.’
‘What happened to her?’
The man replied, ‘My dog attacked and killed her.’
He inquired further, ‘Well, who is in the second hearse?’
The man answered, ‘My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the
dog turned on her.’ A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between
the two men. ‘Can I borrow the dog?’ ‘Yeah, Join the queue.’

Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life.
One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a
fence, with its butt facing the tavern.
One drunk says he sure wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe.

The other says, “I just wish it were dark�.

A man walk in a pets store and saya can i have dog for my daughter,and the clrek says sorry we do not trade humans for animals here.

a man got invited 2 a party with a king and queen.the king stood up and said here in front of me i have a pool of crocodiles the man who can make it across successfully can marry my beutiful daughter or have �1 million the party carried on and then suddenely there was a splash there was a man frantically swimming across the pool and made it too the other side the king was gobsmacked,so what shall it be said the king,the man said neither i just want the bastard who pushed me in……

your mom is so stupid that someone told her that there was chill out side.she went and got a bowl

A man comes home late one night, drunk.

“Where have you been?” asks his wife.

“In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and
a golden urinal!”

This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.

“Do you have golden chairs?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have golden glasses?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have golden beer?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have a golden urinal?”

“Hold on.”

On the other end, she hears “I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in
your saxophone�.

where do you find a no legged dog?

a.right where you left it

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, �Wow, that’s a really fancy watch.� �Thanks, says the guy, �It’s the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it’ll answer me, telepathically.� �Rubbish, you’re having me on,� says the girl. �No, it’s true,� says that guy. �Look, tell you what, I’ll prove it. I’ll ask it if you’ve got any panties on.� The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, �Nope, it says you haven’t got any panties on.� �Well, it’s wrong,� says the girl, �I do have panties on.� �Damn,� says the guy, slapping his watch, �it’s an hour fast!�

Three gay guys went in to a bar. There was only on stool left.

What do they do?

Flip it over.

The President of the United States has a Top Secret Mission of the utmost importance he needs done.

He’s going over files from 3 different candidates and calls in the first one who is a Navy SEAL. On the Presidents desk is a 9mm pistol. The president says in the next room is your wife I want you to take the pistol and kill her. Navy SEAL takes the gun puts it back down on the desk and says sir I love my wife I’m sorry I cant do it and walks outs.

The President calls in the second candidate who is an Army Ranger. The president tells him that in the next room is his wife and that he want him to take the pistol and kill her. The Army Ranger gets up goes into the next room sees his wife and comes back out. He tells the President I cant do it I saw my wife and just couldnt do it cause I love her and he walks out.

Well the President calls in the last candidate who is a Marine Sniper. The President tells him that in the next room is his wife and that he wants him to take this pistol and go kill her. The Marine Sniper stands up walks into the next. A few minutes pass and the President hears a series of gunshots. Couple more minutes pass and he hears glass breaking and a woman scream.

The Marine walks out sits back down and asks the president what the mission is. Well the president still confused about all the noise asks the marine what happened in there. The Marine tells him “Well some dumbass puts blanks in the gun so I had to choke the bitch out.”

1. You’d rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight. 2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to “stay still.” 3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.4. You’re convinced that chirping birds are Satan’s pets. 5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet. 6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position. 7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, “Step right up and give it whirl!”8. All day long your motto is, “Never again.” 9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed. 10. Your natural response to “Good morning,” is “Shut up!”