Category: bar & drinking

Whats Black White and red all over?

A penguin with a sunburn!!

One day a man was sitting in his living room watching TV when all of a sudden
the doorbell rang. The man then went to the door to see who was there. When he
opened the door he found a six-foot cockroach standing in front of him.The
cockroach then proceeded to punch him in the face and leave. The next day the
man was sitting in his living room watching TV when
then the doorbell rang. The man answered the door and then again found he
staring at the same cockroach that had hit him the day before. Then the
cockroach kicked him in the shin and poked his eye out and then proceeded
to leave. The next day the man was AGAIN sitting in his living room
watching TV when the doorbell rang. And yet AGAIN the same cockroach was
standing there. Then the cockroach stabbed him several times and then
yet again proceeded to leave. This time the man managed to drag himself to his
phone and call the police. He was taken to the nearest hospital and was kept
there over night. The next day the doctor came in to talk to the man about what
happened the night before.� Tell me son�, the doctor asked�, what happened last
night?”
� I was attacked by a six-foot cockroch!”,the man replied.
� Yeah,I heard there was a “nasty bug” going around.”

Stage 1 – SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says “Hey Sen~or, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.”The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.”The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.”He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says “Give me a Coke.”The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”The Guinness president replies “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey man, I’m a Panda! Look it up!”The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

A drunk walks into a bar and says loudly, “Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE, and have one yourself, too!” The crowd cheers, the bartender pours and passes out the drinks, then knocks back a shot himself. “That’ll be $80 for the round,” says the bartender, to which the man replies, “I don’t have a plug nickel.” The angry bartender drags the man to the door and roughly throws him into the street. The next night, the drunk again walks in and says, “Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE—and go ahead and have one yourself, too!” As the crowd cheers, the bartender reasons to himself that no one would come in and do that twice, and that the man probably has the money for the previous night, so he passes out the shots and knocks one back himself. “Ok, that’s $80 for last night, and $63 for tonight,” The man replies, “I don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, sorry to say.” The bartender, enraged at this, smashes the man in the head over and over as he drags him to the door and again throws him roughly into the street. The next night, amazingly, the bartender hears over his shoulder as he’s working, “Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE.” Turning around, he can’t believe the drunk is back for a third time. “What, nothing for me this time?” “Hell no,” says the drunk. “You get MEAN when you drink!”

yo mammas so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone

yo mammasa so stupid she got hit by a parked car

yo mammas so stupid she sat on the tv and watched the couch

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.

They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize, a whole year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.

Dick was the winner of the second prize, six month’s supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.

Harry won the sixth prize, a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

“Great,” said Tom. “I love spaghetti.”

“So do I,” said Dick. “And how’s the toilet brush, Harry?””

“Not so good,” Harry said, “I reckon I’ll go back to paper…”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive.

One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day.

The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream.

The old man looked him up and down and said “I have a suggestion that is sure to help.”

“Tell me, tell me,” said the young man.

“Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” said the young man.

“Definitely,” the old man replied.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. “Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?”

“Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?”

“It sure will,” said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cuff link off the sleeve of the piano player.

“This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?”

“One more thing,” said the old man. “Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun.”

The young fellow didn’t hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun.

“No, the whole gun, handle and everything.” said the old man.

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?”

“No,” said the old man, “But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he’s going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that
they had a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the
juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze
one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time
but nobody could do it. One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick
glasses and a polyester suit.

“I’d like to try the bet,” he said in a tiny, squeaky voice. After the
laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He
handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s
laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon
and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the
$1000 and asked the little man what he did for a living. Was he a lumberjack, or
a weightlifter, or what?

“I work for the IRS.”

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ”Father, what causes arthritis?” ”Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,” the priest replied. ”Imagine that,” the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ”I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” ”I don’t have arthritis, Father,” the drunk said, ”but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.”

Q.
how do you mack five pounds of fat look good?

A.
put a nipple on it.