Category: bar & drinking

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!” she screamed.

That’s funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her too!”

There was this bartender & he was working at the bar one night. In walked a
group of blondes & they were chanting ”44 days! 44 days!” One of the blondes
was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame. The bartender leaned
towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked, ��why are you chanting 44
days?” She set down the puzzle on the counter and said, ”A lot of people think
us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together.
It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!”’

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk!!!

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk.
He asks the bartender where’s the bathroom at?

The bartender said, go down the hall and make a right.

Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hear’s this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.

This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, “What’s all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away.”

The drunk said, “I’m sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out my balls.”

With that, the bartender looks in and says, “No wonder, you’re sitting on a mop bucket you asshole!!

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.

The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. “What’ll it be?” the bartender says.

The duck says, “I think I’ll have the grapes.” “Well, I’m sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don’t serve grapes here. Now, I’ll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want.”

The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. “Ok, you got your order?” The duck nods, saying, “I’ll think I’ll have the grapes.”

The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, “Look Mac, we don’t have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don’t serve grapes, so what will you have?!”

The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, “I’ll have the grapes.”

The bartender, enraged, shouts, “If you ask for the grapes one more time I’m going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!”

The bartender cools off a bit. “Now what will you get?!” “Got any nails?” “OF COURSE WE DON’T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?”

“Good, got any grapes?”

what does shit smell like?

YOU!

A man goes into a bar one evening and is surprised to see a ferret with no teeth, on the bar. He asks the barman what the ferret is for.”That, sir,” says the barman,”is a gentleman’s pleasure.” So saying he puts the ferret down the front of the man’s trousers. The ferret scurries around for a minute and then gives the man the best blow job he’s ever had. Afterward, he asks the bartender if he can buy the ferret for $500.”No can do,” he says,” it cost me a lot, what with the dental work and everything.” The man then offers $1000 and the bartender accepts. That night the man takes the ferret home and goes into the kitchen where his battle-axe wife is eating chocolates. He puts the ferret on the table and says:” Look what I bought for $1000. Its a gentleman’s pleasure.” “What do you expect me to do with it?” asks the witch.”Teach it to cook and then fuck off!” says the man.

15> Every time you have to hit the john, you find yourself asking a friend to come along.

14> Warning label states: “Caution: May make ass look fat.”

13> After a few, you find yourself arguing that figure skating actually *is* a sport.

12> Your belches come out potpourri-scented.

11> You still cry into your eighth one, but now it’s because the guy on the next stool is wearing the same outfit.

10> The slogan: “Get that bloated feeling *any* day of the month!”

9> The label boasts that it’s this month’s recommendation from Oprah’s Beer Club.

8> Your desire to wear women’s panties is stronger than usual.

7> When you squat to pee in the sink, you notice a fresh floral scent.

6> After you’ve slammed a few, you find yourself at Blockbuster trying to decide between “Sleepless in Seattle” and “Waiting to Exhale.”

5> Regis Philbin gets funnier with every sip!

4> The can has a picture of a shirtless Fabio on the front and a bundt cake recipe on the back.

3> “Who cares about the game? ‘Will and Grace’ is on!”

2> There’s no head unless you pour some liquor into it.

1> Your man-boobs have started lactating.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

A horse walks into a bar….ouch

Whats the national bird of Afganistan?

DUCK!!!

Question: What to do if beer interferes with the job?
Answer: Get off the job.

THERE WAS A COUPLE WHO WENT ON A VACATION TO MEXICO. UPON ARRIVING THE MAN REALIZED THAT HE’D FORGOTTEN TO BRING HIS WATCH. SO HE DECIDED TO ASK AN OLD MEXICAN MAN SITTING ON THE SIDE OF A DUSTY ROAD ALONG SIDE HIS DONKEY. HE SAID,”EXCUSE ME SIR, DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?” THE OLD MAN GRABBED THE DONKEY’S NUTS AND PICKED THEM UP AND SAID, “IT’S 5:15,SENORE.” THE MAN WAS SHOCKED THAT HE WAS ABLE TO TELL THE TIME BY THIS RATHER ODD METHOD. SO WHILE OUT AND ABOUT THE NEXT DAY, HE SAW THE OLD MAN AGAIN IN THE SAME SPOT. SO HE DECIDED TO ONCE MORE ASK THE OLD MAN THE TIME. ONCE MORE THE OLD MAN GRABBED THE DONKEY’S NUTS AND SAID, ” IT’S 2:47, SENORE.” THE MAN HAVING PURCHASED A NEW WATCH VERIFIED THE TIME. HE WAS PERPLEXED. SO THE FOLLOWING DAY, HE AGAIN SAW THE OLD MAN SITTING IN THE SAME SPOT. HE DECIDED HE WAS GOING TO ASK HIM HOW IT WAS HE KNEW HOW TO TELL TIME, SIMPLY BY GRABBING THE DONKEY’S NUTS. SO HE MARCHED OVER TO THE OLD MEXICAN MAN AND DEMANDED TO KNOW HOW THIS GREAT MAGIC WAS DONE. THE OLD MAN REPLIED, “WELL, YOU SEE SENORE, THERE’S A CLOCK ON THE CHURCH ACROSS THE STREET, AND I LIFT UP THE DONKEY’S NUTS SO I CAN SEE IT.”