Category: bar & drinking

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey is running wild.

The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

“No. What did that stupid shit do this time?”, says the patron.

“Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole”, says the bartender.

“Yeah, well I hope it kills the little fucker because he’s been driving me nuts”, says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar.

He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.

“What now?”, responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it”, says the barkeeper.

“Well, what did you expect?”, replied the patron. “Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

Two guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them blows lunch all over himself.”Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this,” he says. His buddy replies, “Don’t worry about it. That happened to me before. Here’s what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?” “All right, I’ll try it.” So he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. “Now look what you’ve done to yourself!!” “No, no, honey,” he slurs back. “Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this twenty bucks to get my suit cleaned.” With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table. His wife looks at it and says, “I thought that you said he only gave you one $20. How come there are two here?” The man slurs back, “He shit in my pants, too.”

A horse walks into the bar, the bartender says”why the long face?”

What�s the the difference between your job and marriage

Your job still sucks after 3 years

A man sitting in the bar found that the front of his trousers was all wet. Turning to the man on his right he asked, “Did you pour beer on my trousers?”

“Nope,” came the reply.

Then, turning to the man on his left, he asked, “Did you pour beer on my trousers?”

The man also replied, “Nope.”

“Then it must be an inside job,” he murmured.

your mums so fat she sat next to everyone in
the class room

Kelly limps into his favorite pub…

My god! What happened to you?” the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

“I got in a tiff with Riley”, whispered Kelly to the beertender.

“Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the barkeep said surprised.
“He must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did,” Kelly said. “A shovel it was.”

“Dear Lord. Didn’t you have anything in your hand?”

“Aye, that I did – Mrs. Riley’s right tit.” Kelly said.
“And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!”

zack husley is so fat win his mom bis a 1000 dollers over food she louck in the fregreter then she as to go by 2000 dollers ove food

the baby look at the mirror and then he shout “wat an ugly face,it is look like a monkey” then the baby call her mother and ask who is in the mirror and her mother tell that the face that look like a monkey she see in her mirror is her own face.HAHAHAHAHAHAHA good joke ah hahahahahaha

Why did the blond wear high heals?
Her mother told her never to sell her self short.

There was a bolond haired man he was taking a truck full of monkey across town to a zoo a few miles along the road he broke down he was all woried he was gona be fired when along came another blond man do u need a hand he asks please replys the man will u take these monkeys to london zoo they must be there in 3hours ok he said two hours later the same man drove past the man whos car had broke down so he put hes hands out and stoped the man were the hell have u been u should be nearly in london bye now well i had half an hour spare so i took them to the park to he replied

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn’t quite remember the address to the house. ”I’m sure this is the one,” said the driver. ”Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.” Replied one of the others, ”I’ll go knock on the door, and check. If it’s the wrong house, at least I’ll get to a toilet!” So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once….No answer. He rings it again…..Still no answer. So, he thinks, ”This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.” So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he’d just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can’t find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger’s house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. ”Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don’t believe me!” ”So YOU’RE the guy!” The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, ”HONEY!?!…HERES THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!”’