Category: bar & drinking

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, “Yeah,that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink.”

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from in Dublin, there’s this place called Murphy’s. At Murphy’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”

“Wow!” say the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”

“No,” replies the Irish guy, “but it happened to me sister!”

This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks it’s a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep, “I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove.”

So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says, “Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here.”

The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter. “Anything else,” he questions. The hippie replies, “Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove.”

Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells, “Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here!”

So the barkeep returns to the hippie. “That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right?” “Yeah,” the hippie says, “but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove.”

The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie.

“You can kiss my ass! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!”

A mushroom walks into a bar.

He sits next to a beautiful woman and tries to pick her up.

He gives her a few cheap lines.

She replies “Get out of here, I don’t want anything to do with you!”

Then the mushroom says, “What’s the matter? I’m a fun-gi!”

Submitted by Calamjo

The drunk replied. “I was talking to the duck.”

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his crotch. The bartender says “Hey did you know there is a steering wheel hanging from you crotch?” The pirate says ” Arrrrgh! Its drivin me nuts!”

ques que sa fais 10 blonde qui se tiennepar la main R:une cloture de vache hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. ”Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday” Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.

One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.

”Well” the guy says, ”I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can’t be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18”

The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say ”happy birthday, happy birthday!”

The bartender asks ”so which one died?”

”No one.”

”But you only ordered two drinks!”

”Yeah, well, I’ve given up drinking.”

This Chinese guy and cowboy walk into a bar, they both order coke. The cowboy drinks some of his and says “this coke tastes like piss!! “. Then the Chinese guy says “me Chinese, me play joke, me go pee pee in your coke”. then the cowboy says “me cowboy, me draw fast, me shoot bullet up your ass!!!!”

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator
up on the bar.

He turned to the astonished patrons and said, ‘I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open
this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the alligator will
close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I’ll remove my
genitals unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will
buy me a drink.’

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his
trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator�s open mouth. The alligator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The alligator
opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man
stood up again and made another offer.

‘I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.’

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar and a woman timidly spoke
up.

‘I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer
bottle.’

man: Knock Knock whos there cows go boy:cows go who man:no cows go moo

Two old friends/enemies who love to take the piss out of each other are in a
bar, drinking. One reaches over and feels the other’s bald head.

“Good God! This feels just like my wife’s ass!” The man whose head it is runs
his hand over it, too.

“So it does! So it does!”

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, “Can I have a pint of Less, please?”

“I’m sorry sir,” the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, “I’ve not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?”

“I’ve no idea,” replies the guy, “The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink Less.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis
Reviewed by Tantilazing