Category: bar & drinking

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

A man walked into a bar……Ouch!!!!!!!!

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double
vodkas.”

The barman says “Wow! You must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was

Today the answer came back…

“I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double
vodkas.

The bartender said “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like
women?”

“Yeah, my wife…”

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?”

A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all drinking in a bar.

After a while, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, threw it in the air and
shot it into a thousand pieces. “Don’t you boys worry about it,” said the Texan,
“we have plenty of tequila deep in the heart of Texas. ”

The Californian, not wanting to be outdone, selected a bottle of fine wine,
tossed it up, and shot it into smithereens. “Hey, don’t sweat it dudes,” chirped
the Californian, “There’s zillions of bottles of wine in Cal.”

The Seattlite, following suit, guzzled down a bottle of micro-brewed beer,
chucked it towards the rafters, shot the Californian, and (without missing a
beat) pulled out his hand and caught the beer bottle. Everyone in the bar stood
frozen in shock.

“Relax, kids,” said the Seattlite coolly�, Up in Seattle, there’s a freaking’
shipload of Californians. No big deal.”

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he’s drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says “Hey, what’s that little green thing down there?” The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, SPLBLBLBLT!, right in the face and runs back to the Irishman. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, “Hey, what is that thing, anyway?” The Irishman replies, “Have some respect. He’s a leprechaun.” “Oh, all right.” the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer. An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. “Boy, that leprechaun is ugly!” he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT! This time the Englishman is really mad! “Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I’ll cut his pecker off!” he shouts. “You can’t do that” says the Irishman. “Leprechauns don’t have peckers.” “How do they pee, then?” asks the Englishman. “They don’t.” says the Irishman. “They go SPLBLBLBLBLT.”

Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink, Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),At home as it is in the pub.Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages,As we will forgive those who spill against us.And lead us not to incarceration,But deliver us from hangovers.For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.For ever and ever.Barmen.

what did the male prostitute say to the women at the track meet?wanna go pole vaulting?

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down. The first vampire says,� I�d like
a pint of blood.”

The second vampire says,� I�d like a pint of blood, too.”

Then the third vampire says,� I�d like a pint a plasma.”

Then the bartender says,”OK, so let me get this straight, you want two bloods
and a blood light?”

A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding and he notices her eyes are red.

He says, “Gee, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?”

Jenna replies, “No officer, but gee, your eyes look glazed. Have you been
eating doughnuts?

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends . One night, they both died in
a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob
but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St.Peter and said,
”St.Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can’t find
him!” St. Peter said, ”My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn’t make it to
Heaven.” This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one
more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a
keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other. John looked at St.
Peter skeptically and said, ”Are you sure I’m in the right place?’

”My son,” St. Peter said, “looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer?
It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn’t!”

Best friends, Vinnie and Hank, are in their local bar, having a few drinks. Vinnie leans over and starts stroking Hank’s beard. Vinnie says, “Your face feels just like my wife’s pussy.” Hank strokes it himself and says, “Ya, you’re right!”