Two buddies are sitting at the bar

These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles` club and talking about
another guy sitting at the other end of the bar. “I don�t get it,” complained
the first guy, “He�s not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes,
and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home with
the most beautiful women here!”

“Yeah,” replies his buddy, “He�s not even a very good conversationalist, all
he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows.”

Beer Test

“Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn’t drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.”

Submitted by Calamjo

Drunk date

A guy enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka. He drinks the first and dumps the second on his right hand.

He then orders a second round of shots, drinks the first and again dumps the second on his right hand.

The bartender sees this and becomes curious as the guy orders a third round and does the exact same thing.

So the bartender asks the guy, “Hey man, I hope you don’t mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks?”

So the man says, “I have to get my date drunk.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Drunk and Arthritis

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ”Father, what causes arthritis?” ”Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,” the priest replied. ”Imagine that,” the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ”I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” ”I don’t have arthritis, Father,” the drunk said, ”but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.”

Toilet Hygiene

Gary and Lorne were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Lorne’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Wow,” Gary said.”I’ve never seen one like that before.””Like what?” Lorne said. “All twisted like a corkscrew,” Gary said.”Well, what’s yours like?” Lorne said.”Straight, like normal,” Gary said.”I thought mine was normal until I saw yours,” Lorne said.Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.”What did you do that for?” asked Lorne.”Shaking off the excess drops,” replied Gary.”Like normal.””Cripes,” Lorne said.”And all these years I’ve been wringing it.”

Hungry monkey

a guy and a monkey go into a bar and the monkey races over to the pool table and eats the nuts as useual
the next day the guy and the monkey arrive and so the monkey did the same raced over to the pool table exept there was no food there so the monkey srugged and ate a pool ball. the guy didnt go to the bar for his dalie visit. when he came back a week later the bartender said “look! your monkey just shuved a chip up his bum and pulled it out and ate it” the guy replyed “yes he has been doing that for the last week or so you see he had a lot of truble getting out the pool ball and so he just likes to check that it will come back out after eating it”

Bar Translations

“No, really, I’m OK to drive.”

–I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

“I’m not used to these darts.”

–I’m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

“Lets go out to my car and get some cigarettes.”

(male to female)–You would look great face down in my lap.

“You get this one, next round is on me.”

–We won’t be here long enough to get another round.

“I’ll get this one, next one is on you.”

–Happy hour is about to end….now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.

“I haven’t seen you around here for a long time.”

–You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??

“Hey, where is that friend of yours?”

–I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

“Lets get out of here.”

–I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy’s helmet.

“Can I get a glass of white zinfindel.”

(female) –I’m easy. “Can I get a glass of white zinfindel.”

(male) –I’m gay.

“Ever try a body shot?”

(male to female) –I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

(female to male) –If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?

Fall-Down Drunk

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. “Screw it,” he thought.”I’ll just crawl home.”The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. “You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said “Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly.”How did you know?””You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”

Get The Manager

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.”

“Actually, no” he replies.

“Can you get him for me – I need to speak to him?” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman – clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him” she says “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”