Category: bar & drinking

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see’s a big jar full of 5’s and a little card it reads:

Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh. COST $5

So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.

2 minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor.

So the guy takes the money and leaves.

THE NEXT DAY:

The same guy walks in the bar again and see’s the horse and the jar, this time it says:

You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. $10

So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.

4 minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had. So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks “How did you do that?”

The guy says “The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!”

A semi-crippled Libertarian came into a bar and with difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the bar stool, pulled himself up and asked for a sip of whiskey.

He looked down the bar and asked, “Is that Jesus down there?”

The bartender nodded and the Libertarian told him to give Jesus a whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Republican with a hunched back who moved slowly.

He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of wine. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus.

The bartender nodded and the Republican said to give Him a glass of wine also.

The third patron, a Democrat, swaggered in and said “Barkeep, give me a cold beer.

Hey, is that Jesus down there?”

The barkeep nodded, and the Democrat told him to give Jesus a cold one too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over and touched the Libertarian and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!”

The Libertarian felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig all the way to the door.

Jesus touched the republican and said, “For your kindness you are healed!”

The Republican felt his back straighten. He danced with joy and did a flip.

As Jesus walked toward the Democrat, the Democrat jumped back and exclaimed, “Don’t touch me, I’m drawing disability!”

why did the chicken cross the road?

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons. “My son,” the first one says, “started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!””My son,” said the second, “started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!””My son,” said the third, “started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock.””Well,” the fourth guy said, “my son’s turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He’s a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday.”

Yo’ mamma so fat when God said “let there be light”” he asked yo’ mamma to move ova.

“

Two lovers of poetry used to meet occasionally for a stroll in the Countryside and discuss the attributes of their favourite Bards. On one such occasion, the lover of Shakespeare and the lover of Wordsworth met and whilst strolling along, were confronted by an elderly man with a very straight back and very bandy legs. Immediately the lover of Shakespeare said to his colleague.
�How would your Wordsworth have described this chap�. Without any hesitation, he replied, �Wordsworth would have said,
Lo! Here comes a venerable gent, his back is straight, though his legs are bent�. Then he immediately enquired of his friend,
�What would your mate Shakespeare have said?� The reply was, �What manner of man is this, who approaches us with his Balls in Parenthesis�.

This guy walks into the bar and tells the bartender he wants a beer, “anything but Natural light”. Why not Natural Light the bartender say’s, “you always drink Natural Light”? “Not anymore, buddy, last night I got so Drunk on natural Light, I went home and blew chunks”. Well, the bartender say’s, everybody does that when they get that drunk, you know, that�s no big deal…”You don�t understand, buddy, Chunks is my dog!”

yo mama is so fat,she wistles bass

Your mom has one arm and she swims in circles

A pie walks into a pub and asks for a pint.
The barman says: Sorry mate, we dont serve
food here!

ur moms so fAT she looks like ur faggit mom

THE BRITISH BOARD OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO. 1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards. 2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. 3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. 4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to say things like thish. 5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party. 6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. 7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway. 8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember) 9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead. 10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.