Category: bar & drinking

A black man and a white man are in a bar fighting about who is the smartest.

The fight was carrying on for quite a while when the bartender walked up and said, “I am going to have to ask you gentlemen to leave, but before I do we are going to settle this fight, or else you will just go beat each other up in the parking lot.”

He said, “I am going to give you a word and you each have to make a rhyme out of it and whoever’s is the best is the smartest, the word is timbuck two.”

The white man thought and thought and finally said “I got it.”

“Walking in the hot desert sand, I came upon a car-a-van, first came one camel, then came two, destination timbuck two.”

The bartender said, “Very good.”

The black man thought and thought and said, “OK, me and Timmy went fishing, we came upon three lovelies in a tent, upon the ground still wet with dew I bucked one Tim bucked two.”

Submitted by fairytales64
Edited by Calamjo

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours
and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the
corner.

One says to the other, “jeez, i’d really like to dance with that
girl.”

The other man replies, “well go ahead and ask her, don’t be a chicken
s***.”

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, “excuse me. would you
be so kind as to dance with me?”

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, “i’m sorry. right now i’m
contemplating on matrimony, and i’d rather sit than dance.”

So the man humbly returns to his friend
“so what did she say?” asks the friend.

The drunk responded, “she said she’s constipated on macaroni, and would rather
s*** in her pants.”

The following is a description of a New Zealand wine taken straight from the bottle word for word. (Anyone who has tried it will know that it is a mild description).

PURPLE DEATH (that is really the name)

An unusual ‘Rough-as-Guts’ aperitif that has the distinctive bouquet of horse-shit and old tram tickets. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to prevent ingestion of any foreign bodies. Connoisseurs will savour the slight tannin taste of old tea leaves and burnt cat fur. Possessors of a cultivated palate will admire the initial assault on the taste buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of animal manure and perished jock straps strained through an old miner’s sock. The maturing in small pigs’ bladders gives it a very definite nose.

Marketed under the Saviour Brand (9 out of 10 people who drink it for the first time exclaim ‘Je-e-esus Chri-ist’).

Caution: Keep away from ‘naked flames’ (both old and new).

BOTTLED BY THE MAD SCIENTIST – JUST FOR FUN FOR SAPICH BROTHERS Forest Hill Road, Henderson, New Zealand

Two Drunk Irishmen are walking down a set of railway tracks,First Irishman: “Jesus Christ Pat, I’ve never seen so many stairs”Second Irishman: “Fuck that Mick, it’s this low railing that’s killing me”

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey.

The barman replies the piano player.

The man walks over to the piana player and says “Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer.”

The pianist replies “No, but if you hum it I’ll play it.”

One time a guy goes into a bar and drinks alot of drinks.Bartender goes man what happened?The guy goes I found out my brothers gay.Next day he comes aagain and drinks even more drinks bartender again asks what happened today?The man answers I found out my other brother is agy.The next day the guy comes in again and drinks even more the bartenedr goes does anyone in your family like women the guy answers yea my wife.

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else… I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.I’m not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

What have michale jackson and a play station 2 got in common they both get turned on by little kids

A man walks into the bar and orders 2 shots of whiskey and the man drinks one and pours the other shot in his hand, the man did this 3 times before the bartender finally asks him —-why is it you drink 1 shot and pour the other in your hand.

The man replies, I’m getting my girl friend drunk!

A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, “I have to go home or the wife will be mad”.
(at this point he was loaded drunk)

He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said “I can’t walk and I didn’t have that much to drink?”.

He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says “I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don’t get home soon”!

He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.

The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said “you were out drinking again last night weren’t you!”

The man replied with “NO WAY!”
And the wife said “YOU LIAR!
The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night”!

This guy walks into the bar and tells the bartender he wants a beer, “anything but Natural light”.

Why not Natural Light the bartender say’s, “you always drink Natural Light”?

“Not anymore, buddy, last night I got so Drunk on natural Light, I went home and blew chunks”.

Well, the bartender say’s, everybody does that when they get that drunk, you know, that�s no big deal…

“You don�t understand, buddy, Chunks is my dog!”

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says “So where are you from, then?””I’m from Ireland.””Me too! I’ll drink to that.”They both finish their pints and order two more.”Where in Ireland are you from?””Dublin.””Me too! I’ll drink to that.”They both finish their pints and order two more. “Where in Dublin are you from?””The East Side.””The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I’ll drink to that!” They both finish their pints and order two more.”Where on the East Side are you from?””McDonagh Street.””Me too! This is incredible! I’ll drink to that.”As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, “That’s amazing! I can’t believe they’re from the same street in Dublin. What’s going on?””Oh, it’s nothing amazing,” says the bartender,”it’s just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again.”