Category: bar & drinking

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.The barman refuses to serve him. “Why not,” asks the golf club.”You’ll be driving later,” replies the bartender.

your momma

There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar.The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo.After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, “Well, I have a tattoo, too!”The men all look surprised.The woman continues, “I have a tattoo of a cute little grey mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?”The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman..Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a wimpish smile.One of the men asks, “What’s wrong, sweet lady?”The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, “Oh, nothing, I can’t show you my little mouse tattoo after all. My pussy must have eaten it.”

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half. Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, “I know it’s none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole “drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one” routine?””Well,” slurred the man, “There’s a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it’s time for me to go home.”

An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge of the hotel and demanded of the barmaid, “Give me a double Scotch on the rocks.”

“What do you want to do, get me in trouble?” the barmaid asked.

“Maybe later,” the kid said. “Right now, I just want the Scotch.”

Wife says: Did you know a bull can manage sex every day? That’s 365 times a year!
Husband replies: Yes but he doesn’t have to shag the same cow every night!

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said “Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat”. They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said “Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat”. He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cat’s turn to buy, he told them to “Fuck off!”

So the man went back to the bar and said “Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat”.

The Barman was curious about this and said “I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn’t. Why is this?”.

The man replied, “I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish”.

“What did you wish for?” said the Barman.

“I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!”

A guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work.

He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.

Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story, “Wow, that’s awful, what did you do?”

“Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hitailed it back here.

Shoot, they we’re just getting started, so I figured, I have got time for a couple more beers.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

“I was married 3 times” explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, “and I’ll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.”

“That’s a shame.” said his friend , “How did it happen?”

“She wouldn’t eat the mushrooms!”

There were three strings that walked into the bar. They sat down and they didn’t get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for three beers. The bartender said, ”I’m sorry buddy we don’t serve strings in here.” The string walks back to the table and and tells his friends what the bartender said. ”I’ve been here before and gotten a drink, I’ll go get us something to drink,” said the second string. The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender says, ”I thought I told your buddy we don’t serve strings in here.” So the second string walks back and and tells his friends what has happened. The thrid string says ”Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order something to drink” The third sting walks to the restroom where he ties himself up and muffs up his end. He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender kind of looks at him weird and says, ”You a string?” ”Frayed knot,” he replies.

What’s red,white,black and blue lying in a ditch? A redhead telling too many blonde joke’s.

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours
and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the
corner.

One says to the other, “jeez, i’d really like to dance with that
girl.”

The other man replies, “well go ahead and ask her, don’t be a chicken
s***.”

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, “excuse me. would you
be so kind as to dance with me?”

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, “i’m sorry. right now i’m
contemplating on matrimony, and i’d rather sit than dance.”

So the man humbly returns to his friend
“so what did she say?” asks the friend.

The drunk responded, “she said she’s constipated on macaroni, and would rather
s*** in her pants.”