Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what’s wrong.”I’ve puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me.”The other drunk says “do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned.””Sounds like a great idea” says drunk number 1. When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says ” look for yourself, there’s ten bucks in my shirt pocket.”His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.”Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you,” says the wife.”He did,” says the drunk.”But he shit in my pants too.”
Category: bar & drinking
3 little pigs
The first little pig walked into the bar and said “Can I have a rum and coke?” and the bar man said “OK”. Then the little pig said “Can I use your toilet?” and the bar man said straight ahead. Then the second little pig walked into the bar and said “Can I have a rum and coke?” and the bar man said “OK”. Then the little pig said “Can I use your toilet?” and the bar man said straight ahead. The third little pig walked into the bar and said “Can I have a rum and coke?” and the bar man said “OK”. Then the Bar man said “I suppose you want to use the toilet”, but the third little pig said “No, I’m the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home”.
Country Boy in a Gay
A country boy ends up in the big city. He is walking around in awe of everything. He decides to quench his thirst and enters a bar. After a couple of beer, his beer rental is up and off he goes to the can. He walks into the can and is shocked at what he sees. And leaves quickly!The barkeep lisps, “What’s wrong?”The country boy replies,” You wouldn’t believe what is going on in there.””What?”The country boy is shaking his head, “Well there is a guy standing at the urinal being corn-holed by a guy behind him. And that guy is getting his fudge packed by a guy behind HIM.”The bartender leans in closer, gets all serious and lisps out his next question.”The guy in the middle wouldn’t have been wearing a yellow T-shirt would he?””I think he was. Why?””He’s lucky at cards too!”
Crawling back home
An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night.
The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he’d just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face.
So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.
Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.
“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”
“What makes you say that?” He asked as he put on an innocent look.
“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
Paddy and mick
Paddy and Mick go to the bar, as they sit with their drink a guy walks in with a bag over his shoulder.Putting the bag on the bar he asks the barman if he wanted to buy any fish.The barman says”Those fish are alive, were did you get them from?” The guy says”Over the hill is a bridge, and down by the bridge the fish jump,so as they jump you grab the fish and put them into the bag.”As Paddy and Mick were listening they decide to go and try to catch the fish.Paddy says to Mick” If I hang over the bridge You hold onto my legs and when I catch a fish I will shot it to you Mick OK?” “OK” Mick replies.So Paddy is dangling by his legs while Mick is holding onto his legs. Afew minutes pass and Mick shouts to Paddy”You got one yet Paddy?” “NO” says Paddy. A few more minutes pass and He asks again”You got one yet Paddy?” “Not yet Mick” He replies. At that Paddies legs start to kick out.”Oh Paddy You got one now?” Mick says. “No you idiot pull me up the trains coming!!!!!!!
The Irishman's W
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, �I will give you three wishes.� The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, �I want a beer that never is empty.� With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. The man says, �I want two more of these.�
Bright Bouncer
A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with an older friend. The guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave him my driver’s license, which of course had my date of birth printed on it.
He looked at it and said, “You have to be 21 to get in here.”
I replied, “That ID is a few years old.”
He looked at it again for a moment, then said, “Oh, OK” and let me in.
What Happened in Tex
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ”WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?” he yelled. No one answered. ”ALL RIGHT, I’M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA’ BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN’T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I’M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON’T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!” Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ”Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, ”I had to walk home.”
5 SHOTS
A guy walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of whiskey.
The barkeep says 5 shots, yes the guy says I’m celebrating my first blowjob.
The barkeep replies hell let me buy you 1.
No thanks the guy says if 5 don’t get the taste out of my mouth, then the 6th wont matter.
One day a man walked into a bar to get a drink….
One day a man walked into a bar to get a drink. He saw a pot of money sitting on the bar. He asked what the pot was for. The bartender said, If you can make that horse out side laugh you win the pot. The man said, how much is it to play. The bartender said 10 bucks. The man threw in his 10 bucks went outside. a few minuts later the bartender heard the horse burst out laughing. The man went in the bar to collect his money.
About a year later the man walked back into the same bar and saw another pot of money sitting there. He asked the bartender what the money was for now. the bartender said that if you can make the horse cry you can win the pot of money. So the guy went out side and a few minutes later the bartender heard the horse start to cry.
The guy came back in and the bartender asked him how he made the horse laugh and cry. The guy said I made him laugh by telling him I had a bigger dick. I make him cry by proving it.
Hooligan Hijinx
A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells “Give me a Budweiser, or…!” Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.”Give me a Budweiser, or…!””O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?” stammers the bartender.”A small Coke.”
A man with his wheel chair
A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good Samaritans and
get him home.
So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to
the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him
out of the car, and, he falls down four more times.
They ring the bell, and one says, “Here’s your husband!”
The man’s wife says, “Where the hell is his wheelchair?”