Category: bar & drinking

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said “Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat”. They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said “Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat”. He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cat’s turn to buy, he told them to “Fuck off!”

So the man went back to the bar and said “Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat”.

The Barman was curious about this and said “I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn’t. Why is this?”.

The man replied, “I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish”.

“What did you wish for?” said the Barman.

“I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!”

A bunch of guys are sitting at the local bar. They get pretty drunk, and the
topic turns to Bubba at the end of the bar who, as everyone knows, has the
biggest dick in town. One of the guys gets enough courage to go up to Bubba and
ask him why he’s got the biggest schlong around.

�Well,� says Bubba, �every night before bed, I tug on my dick and tap it on
the bedpost three times.�

�That’s it?� asks the drunk.

�Yup,� says Bubba.
So the guy goes home and quietly slips into his bedroom, pulls out his thing,
tugs, and taps it on the bedpost three times. Suddenly his wife wakes up and
says, �Bubba, is that you?�

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender
says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”
The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few
minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking
a little exasperated, says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve strings here.”

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in
a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and
orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”

And the string says, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

your mamma is so ugley she made friends with poop

country boy went to new york to visit his uncle he decided to go for a walk one day on his own in the process he became lost and confused he went to the telephone booth on the street corner called his uncle told him that he was lost his uncle replied look out the telephone booth and give me the name of the intersection that you are calling from and i will come right down and pick you up the country boy go to the intersection and look and his response to his uncle was i am at the corner of walk and dont walk.

The Lone Ranger wanted to know that – why with all these horses and horse-shit – do you never see a rose in my films?

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there’s a
telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins
talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough
neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.

The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed
in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”

The bartender says, “Prove it.”

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender
talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

“That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!”

“Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name
it.

By the way, where is the men’s room?”

The bartender directs him to the men’s room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20
minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood,
the bartender goes into the men’s room to check on the guy. The guy is
spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll
of toilet paper up his butt.

“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”

The guy turns and says: “No, no, I’m ok. I’m just waiting for a fax.”

Dennis Rodman picks up a woman in a bar. They like each other and she goes
back with him to his hotel room.

He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is
one, which reads, “Reebok”.

She thinks that’s a bit odd and asks him about it.

Dennis says, “When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and
Reebok pays me for advertisement�.

A bit later, his pants are off and she sees “Puma” tattooed on his leg.

He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.

Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word “AIDS” tattooed on his
penis.

She jumps back with shock.

“I’m not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!”

He says, “It’s cool baby, in a minute it’s going to say “ADIDAS”.

a guy walkes in a bar a saies give the badest drank you have and show me the badest guy in this bar so the bar tender gives the man the drank and showes the guy the biggest badest man in the bar so the guy thakes the drank turns it up then then he bets the hell out of the other guy and walkes out the bar tender saies to him self this guy thinkes hes purtty bad so im going to brang my monke and show him whos bad sure enuff the guy comes bake and said the same thing he turns up the draink and the bar tender saies hes wating for you in the bathroom the guy goes bake their for 10 or 15 min the bar tenders hears stuff braking and shit the guy walkes out and saies tell that nigger when he wakes up his fure coat is in the tras can

A man walks into a bar with a lump of asphalt under his arm.

�What�ll you have?� asks the bartender.

The man replies, �One for me and one for the road.�

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Edited by Calamjo

A man from a construstion site walks into a bar with a piece of pavement under his arm.

He says to the bartender
“Give me a beer…and one for the road.”

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey is running wild.

The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

“No. What did that stupid shit do this time?”, says the patron.

“Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole”, says the bartender.

“Yeah, well I hope it kills the little fucker because he’s been driving me nuts”, says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar.

He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.

“What now?”, responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it”, says the barkeeper.

“Well, what did you expect?”, replied the patron. “Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”