Category: bar & drinking

I TRYED TO SNIFF COKE ONCE BUT THE ICE CUBES GOT STUCK.

There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the man’s wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,”You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but don’t worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back.”

i bought my wife a rocket for christmas “she says what the fuck do i want with a rocket”husband replies”well you wanted space now fuck off”

A cop pulls over a car that’s been swerving across the lanes of a road.”Get out of the car, please.””But I’m not drunk, officer!””Listen, it doesn’t matter if you’re drunk or not. If you don’t get out of this car, I’ll arrest you anyway.””Fine,” says the man and gets out of the car.”Okay, now walk this yellow line.”The man looks at the line.”Which one of them do I walk on?”

sexy girls are attrctive but sexy ugly guys arn’t.

how do you kill a dunk blond

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?” “My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.” “Gee, that’s tough,” he replied. “Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.” “Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.” “And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” “Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.” “Then this month,” continued, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”

Love is beautiful love is bliss BUT i only slept wif u coz i was pissed.

Two drummers walk into a bar . . . which is funny ’cause you would think the second one would have seen it coming!!

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits the bartender comes over, and asks for their order.The man says, “I’ll have a beer” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?” “I’ll have a beer, too” says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says “That will be $3.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says I’ll have a beer,” and the ostrich says “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.” The usual?” asks the bartender. “Well, it’s close to last call, so I’ll have a large scotch” says the man. “Same for me” says the ostrich. “That will be $7.20” says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?””Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there.””That’s brilliant!” says the bartender. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.The bartender asks “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”The man replies “My second wish was for a chick with long legs.”

A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”

A ventriloquist had just finished his polack joke routine when a huge, drunk
polack confronted him, ”i’m sick of your polack jokes and i’m going to knock
the s*** out of you.” ”i’m sorry, it was all in good fun,” replied the
comedian. the polack retorted, ”i was talking to little a****** on your knee.”