Category: bar & drinking

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.” So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” The Collie replies, “That’s not good enough.” The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.” She says, “That’s not creative enough.” Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone . . . cheese mine.”

A man walks into a bar and says, “Excuse me, I’d like a pint of beer.”

The bartender serves the drink and says, “That’ll be four dollars.”

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

“Sorry, sir,” the bartender says, “but I can’t accept that.”

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. “What’s going on here?” the man asks.

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, “This is a Singles Bar.”

A guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender he has no money, but in exchange for a beer he’ll show him a trick he’ll never forget.

The bartender shakes his head but goes ahead and gives the man a beer.

The guy takes a rat out of one pocket and a frog out of another. The rat scurries over to the bar’s piano and plays a tune. The frog belts out the song in perfect harmony with the rat’s piano playing.

A few minutes later another man walks over and offers the customer $100 for the frog. He instantly accepts, and gives the other man the frog.

“Are you nuts?” the bartender asks. “That frog could be worth a fortune to you.”

“Don’t be so sure,” the customer says. “The rat’s a ventriloquist.”

A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks, “Can I smell your Pussy?”The woman is outraged and answers with a stern, “Of course not!”The drunk man replies…….”Oh, then it must be your feet.”

An Irishman, an Englishman and aScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender handsthem over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks outthe fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass,pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, “Spit it out, yabastard! Spit it out!”

A man walks into a bar, sits down at a bar stool a says barkeep give me a double scotch.
The barkeep provides the man with his order. The man gulps it down and orders another. The barkeep pours him another. At this point the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny little piano, he reaches again into his pocket and pulls out a little man about a foot tall. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing beautiful music. The man downs his next drink and orders another. The bartender is amazed by the music this little man is playing and asks the patron where he found him. The patron replys that he was a wish granted by a genie and produces a lamp from his pocket. The patron says to the barkeep go ahead rub it and a genie will appear. I still have 2 wishes left you may use one. The bartender rubs the lamp and sure enough a genie appears. The genie tells the man to whisper into his ear a wish and that he would grant it. The man whispers to the genies ear suddenly bam suddenly the bar is full of ducks. The bartender all freaked out yells at the patron. I said million bucks not ducks! The patron replies, “do you think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”

One day a cop was walking along in the ghetto. He came upon a guy sitting on the curb and thinking. He went up to the guy.”What are you doing,” the cop asks.”I’m just thinking about starting a bar right over there,but I can’t think of a name for the place,” the man replied.”If you can come up with a name for me I’ll give you a free drink,”the guy said. The cop likes this idea, so the first thing he thinks of he tells the man.”How about Susie,” the cop suggests.”Susie, I like it. Come back tomorrow for you’re drink,” said the man.The cop returns to the ghetto the next day. The guy is sitting on the curb again.”What about Susie?”the cop asked.”The man answered,” I thought about it and I decided I didn’t like it.I’ll give you two drinks if you come up with a better name” The cop thought for a moment and said” Susie’s Legs” The man agreed and told the cop to come back tomorrow for his free drinks.The next day the cop returns, and sure enough the bar is there, but it doesn’t open for another 10 minutes. He waits in his car. A young teen asks the cop what he was doing just sitting in his car. the cop replies,” I’m waiting for Susie’s Legs to open so I can get my free drinks.”

Yo breath so hot instead of blowing out the candles you melted them

Your so old you pee rust and fart dust

Your mamma is like a shotgun, two cocks and a blow

An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. ”So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” ”What makes you say that?” he asks, as he puts on an innocent face. ”The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought ‘How did I get home?’? As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.

The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to drunks by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices.

The beer scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.

It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger’s in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out ‘How did I spend so much money?’.

Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (unidentified drinking injuries). Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter’s navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.