Category: bar & drinking

HOW DO YOU CASTRATE A REDNECK?

kICK HIS SITER IN THE JAW!

how does a blond turn the light on after having sex ???
kick the car door open

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”

The scrawny little man replied “I work for the IRS.”

A guy is sitting all alone at a bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs.
The man shrugs it off… The bartender looks at him and laughs again, the
bartender finally went over to the man and said “I’m sorry but you have to be
the ugliest man that I have ever seen.” the man replied by saying I don�t think
so I can get any lady that I want. The bartender looks around and sees a hot
blond sitting at the table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that
he bet $50 that he couldn�t get the woman to even talk to him. the ugly man
agrees and says “ill bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door with
her. the bartender accepted. the ugly man walked over the girl jumped into his
arms and they walked out the door. The bartender went over to the boyfriend and
said” damn that sucks but what happened?” the man replied with “I don�t know he
just stood there licking his eyebrows.”

3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they’re all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other…

The first guy says, “Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!”

The second goes, “Shit that’s nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!”

The third guy says, “That’s nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire – the insurance won’t cover it, plus my girlfriend left me.”

The first guy leans back in and whispers, “I don’t think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog.”

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said
that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his
face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl
outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he
stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his
home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he
managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was
sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So,
you’ve been out drinking again!”

“What makes you say that?”

he asked, putting on an innocent look.

“The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.”

Sven and Osmond are good friends. Each day, they get together after work and have a shot in a local bar. This is a tradition that goes on for some time. One day, Osmond says to Sven, “Sven, if I die before you, promise me that you will have a shot for me, each day.” Sven considers this and agrees. Well, sure enough, Osmond dies, and sure enough, Sven has an extra shot for him every day after work. This goes on for some time, and the waitress is quite familiar with the ritual and the reason. One day, Sven comes in and orders one drink. Well, the waitress is shock, and says, “But, Sven, aren’t you going to have another drink for your friend, as usual?” Sven says, “Well, you see, I joined Alcoholics Anonymous, but I don’t think that Osmond should be punished for that.”

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box, and out
popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, “I want a Rolling Rock and a
shot of whiskey for my buddy here�.

There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after
the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey; he ran down to the end of the bar and
spit in the guy’s face. Then he ran back.

The guy with the box said, “I’ll have another Rolling Rock and a shot of
whiskey for my buddy here.”

After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the
bar and spit in the man’s face, then dashed back.

The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the
leprechaun. Again, the after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran
down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he
grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air.

He said, “If you spit in my face again, I’m going to cut your pecker off�.

The leprechaun laughed and said, “Leprechauns don’t have peckers�.

Then the man said, “If you don’t have peckers, then how do you pee?”

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, ‘So, you’ve been out drinking again!!’ ‘What makes you say that?’ he asked, putting on an innocent look. ‘The pub called-you left your wheelchair there again.’

Two guys are talking in a bar..”My hobbies are huntin’ and drinkin’.”said Art.”What do you hunt?”asked John.”Somethin to drink,”

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ”If you were my husband I would poison your drink.”The man replied, ”If you were my wife I would drink it.”

your momma so dum she stole free bread