Category: bar & drinking

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking,
and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, ”I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to
the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we
don’t even have a fridge to keep it in.”

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is
thicker.

�� Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,” he
laments, ”and she doesn’t even know how to drive!”

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both
walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ”Ah, it kills me every time I
think of it,” he chuckles. ”My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched
her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she
doesn’t even have a penis!”

A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign that reads “$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details.” Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the bartender what he has to do to win the prize.
“You have to do three things and its all yours,” the bartender says.

“Just three things?” the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and practically salivating at the thought of walking out of the bar $2,000 richer. “What are the three things?”

“Well,” the bartender says, “first you have to go over to that 200-pound bouncer and knock him out. After that, I’ve got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who needs a tooth pulled. Then you have to go and f**k the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs.”

“No problem,” the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, “Hey pal your shoelace is untied.” When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single, solid uppercut.

Next he heads to the back room where the pitbull is housed. The bartender can hear a tremendous commotion from the back room–it sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy.

After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily.

“Okay,” he says, “where’s the old broad that needs her tooth pulled??

did you ever blow bubbles when you were akid??? hmmheard he was back in town missed you!!

Is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I can definitely see myself in your pants tonight.

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. “Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. “Screw it,” he thought.”I’ll just crawl home.” The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.”You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.”Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly.”How did you know?””You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”

The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, “Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!” “Oh no, sir, I sure haven’t,” replied the bartender.The boss replied, “Good, in that case then, YOU fire her!”

What’s the difference between men and beer? When you’re done with the beer it’s still worth 5 cents.

A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his fly. As he walks up to the bar the bartender says, “Hey pal, you know you’ve got a steering wheel coming out of your fly?” And the pirate says “R it’s driving me nuts!”

A Koala walks into a bar.

A hooker comes up to the Koala and says, “hey hairy, want a date?”

The Koala says sure, and they sit in a booth in the corner.

The hooker and the Koala start to get-it-on and end up with the Koala performing oral sex on the hooker.

Afterwards the hooker tries to get her money, but the Koala refuses.

“Hey,” says the hooker, “don’t you know the definition of a hooker?”

And the Koala says, “No, sorry, I don’t.”

And the hooker says, “it’s someone who has sex for money.”

And the Koala says, “Well I guess you don’t know the definition of a Koala.”

“What’s that?” asks the hooker.

“An animal that eats bushes and leaves.”

A man was walking down the street looking for the bus stop and saw a lady doing her garden and said “HEY QQ ME have u seen the bus stop” and she said “ooh u batard” and the man said “ooh u call me a bartard u bicth.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can.

He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink, so he puts a sign on it saying, ” I spat in this beer, do not drink!”.

After a few minutes he returns to find another sign next to his beer saying, ” So did I!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells “Give me a Budweiser, or…!” Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.”Give me a Budweiser, or…!” “O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?” stammers the bartender.”A small Coke.”