Category: bar & drinking

what do you call a person with a mobile phone? A walkie talkie

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4.”But I paid, don’t you remember?” says the customer.”Okay,” says the bartender, “If you said you paid, you did.” The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, “If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it.” Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, “You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.” “Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final patron responds.”Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

Q: What’s the difference between men and beer?
A: When you’re done with the beer it’s still worth 5 cents.

Q: How do you know that you are in a real lesbian bar?
A: Not even the pool table has balls.

Guy goes into a bar. Big guy, but his head is the size of an orange.
Goes up to the bartender, orders a beer. Bartender serves him and asks why a big guy like him has such a small head.

So the guy tells him his story: He was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a genie lantern. Out comes this beautiful, beautiful genie who says, “I’ll grant you one wish . . . but i won’t sleep with you.”

Guy says, “Ok then, how ’bout a little head?”

This guy walks into the bar with a piece of
tarmac under his arm, leans over to the barman
and says:”gimme a beer, and one for the road�.

why did the chicken cross the road?

to get to the other side!

you so skinny you had to use dental floss for toilet paper

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?”As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch ?”

There are 2 men sitting in a bar and they are drinking their beers when one of the men looks to the end of the bar and realizes that Neil Armstrong is sitting at the end of the bar. After some debate amongst themselves whether the man is Armstrong or not, one of the men gathers up the nerve to go up to the man and ask if indeed he is the American Icon.

He gets to the end of the bar and asks, ”excuse me sir, I couldn’t help but notice that you are Neil Armstrong.

Mr. Armstrong replies, ”well yes I am how may I help you?” The man states that it was a pleasure to meet him since Neil Armstrong has always been a big idol and role model in his life. Mr. Armstrong thanks him and asks him what he does for a living. ”I am a journalist” replies the man. Mr. Armstrong gives a sigh and replies ”Oh, Okay.” The man continues and asks him if he has a problem with journalists. Mr. Armstrong says no but states that reporters and the media had misquoted him on his moon walk statement. The man asks him what he means. Mr. Armstrong replies, you guys reported I said ”Once small step for man, one giant step for man kind”, but what I really said was ”once small step for man, one giant step for Matt Kline.”

”Who the hell is Matt Kline?” replied the man.

”Matt Kline is a good friend of mine ever since we were kids, we went to the same high school, college, we even served in the service at the same time. We where both in the Apollo space program but he didn’t make the cut,” said Armstrong.

”Okay” replied the man.

”Well one day I was the best man at Matt’s wedding and when the reception was over, I noticed that there were some packages left in the banquet room. Not wanting to have the couple go off without all of their gifts, I ran the packages up to their suite. when I got to the door I heard Matt’s wife say, ‘the day I put that in my mouth will be the day a man walks on the moon!”

what is the coldest stadium in the premiership.cold trafford

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking,
and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, ”I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to
the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we
don’t even have a fridge to keep it in.”

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is
thicker.

�� Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,” he
laments, ”and she doesn’t even know how to drive!”

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both
walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ”Ah, it kills me every time I
think of it,” he chuckles. ”My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched
her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she
doesn’t even have a penis!”