Category: bar & drinking

Two men are walking their dogs and come to a bar. Unfortunately, the sign on the bar says, NO DOGS ALLOWED.

So the one man says to the other man, “It’s okay. We’ll just pretend they are seeing eye dogs.”

So the first man walks into the bar.

The bartender says, “Can’t you read? No dogs allowed.”

The man says, “I’m blind and this is my seeing eye dog.”

The bartender asks, “They are using Rotweilers for seeing eye dogs now?”

The first man says yes and goes on into the bar.

The second man walks into the bar.

The bartender goes, “Can’t you read? No dogs are allowed.”

The second man says, “I’m blind and this is my seeing eye dog.”

The bartender asks, incredulous, “They are using Chihuahuas now?”

The second replies, “WHAT? They gave me a CHIHUAHUA?”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn’t quite remember the address to the house. ”I’m sure this is the one,” said the driver. ”Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.” Replied one of the others, ”I’ll go knock on the door, and check. If it’s the wrong house, at least I’ll get to a toilet!” So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once….No answer. He rings it again…..Still no answer. So, he thinks, ”This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.” So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he’d just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can’t find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger’s house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. ”Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don’t believe me!” ”So YOU’RE the guy!” The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, ”HONEY!?!…HERES THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!”’

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double
martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt
pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he
finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the
bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, “Look, buddy,
I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look
inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.” The customer replies, “I’m
peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to
go home.”

why is the libray the talest building?

because there are so many stories

what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

nothing you have already told her twice!!!

An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.

He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”

“What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, �Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.� The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty. Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, �Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.� Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, �Hey, barkeep,� he burbles, �I’ll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.� The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously. �What’s so funny?� says the barkeep, �you just lost everything you won and more!� �Well,� giggles the man, �I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn’t get angry.�

Your Mama so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him
and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”

The man says, “Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make ‘me doubles.”

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then
the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were
served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing’ all this
drinking.

“You’d drink ‘me this fast too if you had what I have.”

The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”

The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar�.

A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.
The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! Downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go…Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go with the last dart.

Three bulls eyes!!!

All are astounded. No one has ever won. The bartender searches for a prize… grabs a turtle from the bar’s terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.

Three weeks pass… The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn’t know what to give, and he asks the drunk ” Say, what did you win the last time?”

And the drunk responds “A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!”

A guy has to take a crap really bad so he goes into a bar he thinks the bathroom is upstairs so he goes upstairs he can’t find the bathroom anywhere but he finds a hole in the floor so he takes a crap in it. After that he goes downstairs and theirs no one down there so he asks the bartender were everyone is and he says “Where the hell were you when shit hit the fan?”

A bartender is preparing to close the bar. He has to ask the last man to leave after staying all afternoon & evening.

The man leaves with no problem. The bartender sweeps up, puts the chairs up, turns out the lights and is just about to lock the door when someone pounds on the door.

He opens the door to find the man who he had just asked to leave standing there.

The drunk says “You have to help me, I can’t find my car”.

The bartender ask’s “Where did you last see it?”

The drunk replies “It was right here on the end of my key”.

The bartender realizing that the man was in no condition to drive, told him “come on back in, I’ll turn on the lights and call you a cab”.

When he got the man inside, he noticed that his fly was open and his pecker was hanging out.

He told the man “Hey, your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out”!!

The drunk looked down in astonishment and screamed “OH NO! First my Car and NOW my Girlfriend!!!!