Category: bar & drinking

John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.”Just then Jessica said, “I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.” So the officer asked for John’s license and after looking at it said, “Sir your license has expired.” And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn’t realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said, “I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.” Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, “Jessica, will you shut up!” The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. “Does your husband always talk to you like that?”Jessica replied, “only when he’s drunk.”

This big rough lookin cowboy walks into the bar. He orders up bottle after bottle of rottgutt liquor and proceeds to get really wasted…In the process he manages to anger just about everyone in the bar by being offensive and rude and being a big obnoxious fool…

Finally he finishes up his 5th bottle and decides he’s had just about enough. He proceeds to get up and swagger out of the bar.

He gets outside to untie his horse from the post and he notices someone has painted his horses balls a real bright shade of yellow.

This pisses him off immensely so he proceeds to blow back into the bar, slamming the doors open and yelling out at the top of his lungs. “JUST WHO IN THE SAM-HELL PAINTED MY HORSES BALLS YELLOW!!!!”

After everyone in the bar rustles around a bit, a guy in the back of the bar stands up. This guy is HUGE, at least 6’10” tall, pure muscle…

He says to the cowboy, “I did, so what do you got to say about it, boy!!!”

The cowboy looks back at this guy and says “Oh, I was going to let you know the first coat of paint is dry.”

Aman walks inot a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.He steps up to the bar,sets the monkey on the bar,slidesthe peanut bowl ove to the monkey, then orders a beer. While the man is drinking his beer, the monkey takes a peanut,hulls it,looks at it, stickes it up his ass, then eats the peanut. the brtender sees this and tells the man,”Hey!Get that nasty animal outa my bar.””What nasty animal?”The man replies. “That monkey”says the bartender,”He’s hulling those peanuts ,sticking them up his ass, then eating them.””Oh,He’s not being nasty .He’s being cautious.”The man says. “How do you figure that?”ask the bartender. “Well you see,” explained the man,”my monkey used to be a gluttion. Then one day a woman gave him a peach, and after passing that pit,now he makes sure it fits befor he eats it”

your mas so stupid she sits oan the tele n watches the couch

Best friends, Minnie and Hank, are in their local bar, having a few drinks.
Minnie leans over and starts stroking Hank’s beard. Minnie says, “Your face
feels just like my wife’s pussy�.

Hank strokes it himself and says, “Yaw, you’re right!” is ‘Budweiser method’
for rating women?”

“Well, says the bartender, “the Budweiser method for rating women, is the
number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off her.

Why can’t dogs dance?
Because they have two left legs!

A guy and a gal meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”

The guy, surprised, says “Yes….how did you figure that out?”

“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they are done, the girl says, “You must be a really good dentist.”

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Well yes, I’m a good dentist. How did you figure that out?”

“I didn’t feel a thing!”

Submitted by bennto
Edited by Calamjo

yo mmomma is so short that you can see her feet in her drivers license.

why do dog like other dog

So … the other day, my friends and I went to this “Ladies Night
Club.”

One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.
The “dancer” came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put
it on his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls
the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt
cheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend
pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the
$50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the
attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that?

I got out my wallet, thought for a minute … and then the financial
analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the
crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!

a rednek goes to a mart and wins 20 million dallars.
“gimme my money” he says
“we can give you ten million now and the rest is spread out over 19 years.” said th shop keeper
“i want it now!” said the rednek.
The shop keeper explains ,calmly, again.
“I WANT IT NOW! IF YOU ARENT GOING TO GIVE IT TO ME I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!” SAID THE REDNEK

What do Kodak and condoms have in common?

They both capture the moment!