Category: bar & drinking

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.” One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor, opening his eyes he sees
Claudia Schiffer on the bed next to him. He thinks this is a little odd, as he
doesn’t remember a thing, let alone going to bed with her. He decides to get up
and get himself a drink from the fridge. He gets to the fridge and opens the
door and is faced with a large suitcase. He takes the suitcase out of the
fridge, puts it on the table and opens it to find $1 Million. This is just a
little too much for the guy who thinks he is losing his mind. He wonders if he
is hallucinating, so he goes to the window and draws back the blind. Outside on
his front lawn is the Klu Klux Klan and dangling from the tree is an open noose,
empty. They appear to be beckoning him and shouting.
Now the guy is really freaked out, he quickly draws the blind and turns
around.

In the corner of his kitchen is a leprechaun, obviously drunk as well.

He asks the leprechaun what is going on.

“Well,” says the leprechaun, “I was drunk last night as well, and as I was
crossing the road, I was nearly run down. You ran across the road and pushed me
to safety, so I granted you three wishes in return for saving me.”

“Well, I can guess the first one” says the guy, “Supermodel, bed, yeah I got
that one. What about the other two?”

“The money in the fridge?” says the leprechaun, “You asked for a cool
million.”

“And them out there?” asks the guy,

“You said you wanted to be hung like a black man.”

i farted loud like yo mommas burp

A man walks into a pub with a pork pie on his head and asks the barman for a pint of lager.

BARMAN: Do you know you’ve got a pork pie on your head?

MAN: Yes, I always wear a pork pie on my head on Wednesday.

BARMAN: But it’s Tuesday today.

MAN: Oh my god! I must look a real idiot.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman

why dont bunnies make noise when they are making love?
because they have cotton balls.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town one dusty, dry, Wild West day and proceed to the first saloon, where they tie up their trusty steeds and head in for a snort.

After a while a stranger walks into the bar and asks, ‘Who owns the white horse tied up outside?’

The Lone Ranger said, ‘Why, that would be mine. Why do you ask?’

‘Because it�s collapsed and looks like it’s dying,’ says the stranger.

So the Lone Ranger and Tonto head out to check on Silver.

‘He’s probably just suffering from the heat,’ says the Lone Ranger, who asks Tonto if he could run around Silver for a while to help keep him cool.

The Lone Ranger returns to the bar and after half an hour another stranger walks in and asks, ‘Who owns the white horse outside?’

The Lone Ranger says, ‘That’s mine, what’s the problem this time?’

‘Oh, no problem,’ says the stranger, ‘it’s just that you’ve left your injun running.’

How do you get four gay men to sit down in a bar?

Turn the bar stool upside down.

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.One says to the other, “Jeez, I’d really like to dance with that girl.”The other man replies, “Well go ahead and ask her, don’t be a chicken shit.”So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, “Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?”Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, “I’m sorry. Right now I’m contemplating on matrimony, and I’d rather sit than dance.”So the man humbly returns to his friend “So what did she say?” asks the friend.The drunk responded, “She said she’s constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants.”

A black man enters a bar with his gorilla. He says to the bartender, “I would like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here.”The bartender looks at him like he’s nuts and says, ” I sorry but I don’t serve Gorillas in this bar.”The man has an idea. He takes his girlfriend home and shaves her head, gives her a wig, dress, and makeup. Then he returns to the same bar. He places the same order and this time the bar tender gives it to them.They go and sit in a corner while the bartender turns to his friend and says, “Damn! Did you ever notice how all the good looking Iraqi ladies that come in here, always seem to be with black men.

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.

After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets 2 shot glasses, filling 1 with water the other with whiskey.

She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.

She says “I want you to see this.” She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies.

She says “so what do you have to say about this experiment?”

He says “IF I DRINK WHISKEY I WON’T GET WORMS!”

John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.”Just then Jessica said, “I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.” So the officer asked for John’s license and after looking at it said, “Sir your license has expired.” And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn’t realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said, “I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.” Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, “Jessica, will you shut up!” The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. “Does your husband always talk to you like that?”Jessica replied, “only when he’s drunk.”

This big rough lookin cowboy walks into the bar. He orders up bottle after bottle of rottgutt liquor and proceeds to get really wasted…In the process he manages to anger just about everyone in the bar by being offensive and rude and being a big obnoxious fool…

Finally he finishes up his 5th bottle and decides he’s had just about enough. He proceeds to get up and swagger out of the bar.

He gets outside to untie his horse from the post and he notices someone has painted his horses balls a real bright shade of yellow.

This pisses him off immensely so he proceeds to blow back into the bar, slamming the doors open and yelling out at the top of his lungs. “JUST WHO IN THE SAM-HELL PAINTED MY HORSES BALLS YELLOW!!!!”

After everyone in the bar rustles around a bit, a guy in the back of the bar stands up. This guy is HUGE, at least 6’10” tall, pure muscle…

He says to the cowboy, “I did, so what do you got to say about it, boy!!!”

The cowboy looks back at this guy and says “Oh, I was going to let you know the first coat of paint is dry.”