Beer Machismo

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said “Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please.”The bartender gave him the drink.Then the Budweiser President orders, “The King Of Beers — Budweiser.”The bartender proceeds with the order.The Amstel President walks in and orders “The Finest Beer ever.”The bartender gives him an Amstel.Then the Guinness President says, “I’ll have a coke please.” The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.All the Presidents looked over at him and said, “Why have you ordered a coke?” He replied, “Well if you all aren’t drinking beer, then neither shall I.”

Pet Alligator

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

“I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.”

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up, “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

Signs You Have A Drinking Problem

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth … now THAT’S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Every person you see has an exact twin.

You fall off the floor.

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger — to heck with dinner!

The glass keeps missing your mouth.

Bill Clinton starts to make sense….

Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you. (*No pun intended.)

At AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is … uh …”

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in.

“Hi ocifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.”

Roseanne looks good.

Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.

“BeerTender! Get me another Bar!”

The shrubbery’s drunk too — from frequent watering.

That’s Willie

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks ‘Do you do custom work?’

‘Why of course!’

‘Good. I’d like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh,
and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.’

‘No problem,’ says the artist. ‘Strip from the waist down and get up on the
table.’

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up
and examines the tattoos.

‘That doesn’t look like them!’ she complains loudly.

‘Oh yes it does,’ the artist says indignantly, ‘and I can prove it.’ With
that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can
find; it happens to be the town drunk.

‘Well, what do you think?’ the woman asks, spreading her legs. ‘Do you know
who these men are?’

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. ‘I’m not sure
who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely
Willie Nelson!’

Arm Less Drinker

An arm less man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.The man said, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?”The bartender quickly replied, “The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.”

Do you have any nails?

A woman walks in a bar and asks the bartender if he has any peanuts. He says
no. She comes back the next day with the same question and gets the same answer.
She then comes back another day and asks him again. He says ”No, and if you
come back I’ll nail your freaking’ hands to the table!”

So she comes back and asks him, ��do you have any nails?”

He says no.

”Well then, do you have any peanuts?”

Really Tied One On

A man decided to leave work early and go drinking. He stayed at the bar until
it closed and by then, he was very drunk. When he got home, he didn’t want to
wake up his wife, so he removed his shoes and started to tiptoe up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he fell backwards and landed flat on his butt. That
wouldn’t have been so bad, but he had a couple of empty bottles in his back
pocket which broke and carved up his buttocks pretty badly. He was so drunk
though, that he didn’t even realize he was hurt.

He made it up the stairs and into the bathroom, where he began to undress.
Suddenly noticing some blood, he checked himself out in the mirror. Sure enough,
he saw that his behind was cut up something awful. He repaired the damage as
best he could, under the circumstances, and went to bed.

When he woke up in the morning, his head was hurting, his backside was
hurting, and he was cowering under the covers, trying to think up a good story.

Just then, his wife entered the room and said, “Well, it looks like you
really tied one on last night. Where were you?”

“I worked late, dear,” he replied, meekly, “and went out for a couple of
beer.”

“A couple of beer? That’s a good one,” she snapped. “You got plastered! Where
did you go?”

“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?” he asked.

“Well,” she replied, “my first clue was when I got up this morning and saw all
the band-aids stuck to the mirror…..”

Gay guy in bar

The bartender got tired of hearing these five drunks arguing about who had the biggest dick.

So he yelled out: “I am tired of this shit. Pull them out and put them up on the bar and I will tell you who has the biggest.”

They were drunk enough that all five of them responded and placed their dick up on the bar.

At this time a homosexual walks in, and the bartender ask: “May I help you?”

To which he responds: “Well, I came in for a glass of wine and a sandwich but I think I will have the smorgasbord.”