Category: bar & drinking

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel’s. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybody’s surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.”Easy,” says the man.”Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window.””Wow,” says the man at the bar.”I gotta try this.”He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.”Geez, Superman,” says the bartender.”You can be a real a jerk when you’re drunk.”

you so fat you dont know it

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says,
”Sorry, we don’t give beer to bears in bars.”
The bear replies, ”If you don’t give me a beer, I’ll eat that lady over
there.”

The bartender says, ”Go ahead.”

So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, ”Sorry, we
don’t give beer to bears on drugs.”

”What do mean,” says the bear. ”I’m not on drugs.”

”Yes, you are, that was the barbituate.”

It’s forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local
saloon and the bartender says to him, “You owe me quite a bit on your tab.”

“Sorry,” says Pat, “I’m flat broke this week.”

“That’s okay,” says the bartender. “I’ll just write your name and the amount
you owe me right here on the wall.”

“But,” says Pat, “I don’t want any of my friends to see that.”

“They won’t,” says the bartender. “I’ll just hang your parka over it until
it’s paid.”

ok this guy walkes into a bar and see’s a sign it reads (if you can make my gorila laugh I will give you $50$ /so the guy goes in the back and makes the gorila laugh , he comes out and collects his $50 , so the next day this same guy comes back now the sign reads ( if you make my gorila cry then i will give you $50 so he goes in the back and makes the gorila cry so he comes out and the bar tender is now stumped so he said how did you do it , the man say’s the first time to make him laugh I said my dick was biger then his the next day I showed it to him

1. “You get this one, next round is on me.” (We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)

2. “I’ll get this one, next one is on you.” (Happy hour is about to end…drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. “Hey, where is that friend of yours?” (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

4. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (female) (I’m easy.)

5. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (male) (I’m gay.)

6. “Ever try a body shot?” (male to female) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

7. “Ever try a body shot?” (female to male) (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)

8. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female) (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

9. I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (male) (I’m horny.)

10. “Who’s got the next round?” (I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

11. “Excuse Me.” (male to male) (Get the hell out of the way.)

12. “Excuse Me.” (male to female) (I am going to grope you now.) (Editor’s Note – one of my personal favorites)

13. “Excuse Me.” (female to male) (Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)

14. “Excuse Me.” (female to female) (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho… Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)

15. “What do you have on tap?” (What’s cheap?)

16. “Can I have a white Russian?” (male) (I’m *really* gay.)

17. “Can I have a white Russian?” (female) (I’m *really* easy.)

18. “That person looks really familiar.” (Did I sleep with him/her?)

19. Can I just get a glass of water?” (female) (I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

20. I don’t have my ID on me.” (female) (I’m 19.)

21. “I don’t have my ID on me.” (male) (I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)

1991 — A Montana State University chemistry professor claimed in March that he was wrongfully accused of being drunk after an accident (which occurred while he was on work-release for a previous (drunk driving sentence). While a state trooper found him “highly intoxicated,” the professor said a chemical explosion in his lab caused him to smell and act drunk and that his statement to the trooper about having consumed a six-pack of beer was merely incoherent babbling” because of the trauma of the accident.

1992 — Steven L. Johnson, 40, sentenced to two years in prison in Brookings, S.D., in April for drunk driving, explained to the judge: “I enjoyed drinking while driving. It’s one of the most pleasurable habits I’ve had.”

1993 — Only days apart, two Wisconsin men arrived in court drunk for their trials on drunken-driving charges. Both denied they had been drunk while driving, and both denied they were drunk in the courtroom. James Heard had a 0.26 blood-alcohol level on his trial day in Milwaukee, and John Newbury registered 0.22 at his LaCrosse trial both more than double the 0.10 legal maximum.

1992 — A jury in Tavares, Fla., convicted Leal Fleming, 45, of drunk driving in November despite his insistence that the reason he slurred his words to a police officer, and couldn’t breathe into a machine,was that he had just been bitten on the tongue by a rat snake and was on his way to a hospital to get treatment for the swelling. Said Fleming after the trial, “After the verdict came in,I had some second thoughts [about not taking an offered plea bargain], but I still think there was a point to our defense.”

1992 — THE DIMINISHING VALUE OF LIFE In Miami in August, Levon Howard lost a shootout with his roommate Edwin Heyliger, who was charged with murder. Howard had broken into Heyliger’s room,angry that someone had drunk his Kool-Aid, and in the ensuing argument, both scrambled for guns.

1991 — In Romford, England, Philip Pyne, 51,off work last summer and intending to do some heavy drinking but worried that he might fall off his bar stool if he got too drunk, attempted to tack his legs onto the stool with nails but abandoned the idea in pain and called an ambulance.

1992 — A pedestrian recently won a $600,000 judgment against Metro (the Washington, D.C., transportation authority) after being hit by a bus, despite the fact that he was drunk at the time and partying on a public street in a Batman costume. For the entire duration of the trial, the man’s lawyer was able to suppress from the jurors’ ears another fact about his client: At the time of the collision, for some reason, he was wearing a condom.

1991 — St. Louis juror Frederick Pinkins was sentenced to three days in jail and a $700 fine for contempt of court in April after he missed final deliberations in a murder trial. He told the judge that the jury’s discussion (in a lover’s triangle case) depressed him so much that he got drunk and overslept.

1995 — In May, over the opposition of state Sen. Joe Neal, the Nevada Senate passed a bill to prohibit people from carrying guns while drunk. Neal argued that the bill would hurt activities of gun clubs, some of which permit drinking during target-shooting socials.

1994 — In February, William James Silva, 44,was arrested in San Jose, Calif., when he allegedly robbed a police decoy posing as a street corner drunk. It was the 550th time Silva had been arrested, and his record reaches 127 feet of computer paper. (According to police, before robbing the decoy, Silva had argued with a friend about whether the man was a police officer, with Silva insisting he wasn’t.)

The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the
bathroom and then left.

The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and
went to the bathroom and then left.

The third pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and was
just going to leave and the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom and
the third little pig said “No I’m the little pig that goes wee all the way home”

three men walk into a bar you would think the last one would of seen it

This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little
man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy
notices it.

� Hey, what’s that?�

�A twelve-inch pianist. Yaw see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a
wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.�

�Can I try?� The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks
fill the room.

�Ducks? I didn’t wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!�

�Yaw think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?�

Three guys walk into a bar.

You’ld think the third guy would duck!!!

A Guy goes into a bar and orders a beer, when the bartender brings his beer the Guy pays him and puts an octopus on the bar The Bartender tells him, “get that thing out of here.”

The Guy says, “No, wait you don’t understand. This is no ordinary octopus. This octopus can play any musical instrument you can think of.

The bartender says, “Bullshit, no octopus can do that.”

The Guy says, “No, really I’ll bet you one hundred dollars that you can’t find a musical instrument he can’t play.”

The bartender says, “OK you’re on. Try the piano in the corner.”

The Guy takes the octopus to the piano and it played like a pro. The bartender went into the back room and brought out a guitar.

The octopus played a song on it.

The bartender said, “OK I’m not done yet so he brings out three kinds of horns and a set of drums.

The octopus played them all.

The bartender said, “Alright I have one more instrument to try before I give up. He goes in the back and comes out with a bagpipe, and sets it in the middle of the floor.

The octopus gets up on all eight legs and walks around it a couple of times then jumps on it. Then he walks around it a couple more times and jumps up and down on it a few more times.

The bartender says, “There I knew I could find one he couldn’t play.

The Guy said, “Now just wait a minute He’ll play it just as soon as he figures out he can’t have sex with it.