Category: bar & drinking

why did the chicken cross the road?to get on the same side.

what do you call a deer wit no eyez?…i hav no eye deer!!

what do you call a deer wit no eyez or legs?…i still hav no eye deer!!

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
“What’s wrong with your turtle?”

“Not a thing,” the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!”
“Not a chance!”, replies the barkeep.

“Okay then, says the guy… you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I’ll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.”

So the bartender, thinking it’s an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says –

“I WIN… Told you it’ll be there before your dog!”

A COP WAS WATCHING THIS PARTICULAR BAR KNOWN FOR TROUBLE HOPING TO CATCH A
DRUNK DRIVER. HE WAITS A LONG WHILE BEFORE HE FINALLY SEES A GUY COMES OUT. THE
GUY STUMBLES OF THE TOP STEP AND FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE. HE GETS UP STAGGERS TO
A CAR, TRIES HIS KEYS FOR A WHILE BEFORE HE REALIZES IT�S THE WRONG CAR. HE
STAGGERS OVER TO ANOTHER CAR AND TRIES AGAIN UNTIL HE REALIZES IT�S THE WRONG
CAR. THIS GOES ON FOR THREE MORE CARS BEFORE HE FINALLY GETS THE RIGHT CAR, ALL
THE WHILE THE COP IS WITNESSING THIS. THE COP THINKS TO HIMSELF THAT HE IS GOING
TO THROW THE BOOK AT THIS GUY. THE GUY FUMBLES AROUND FOR A WHILE WITH THE KEYS,
IN THE MEANTIME EVERYONE COMES OUT OF THE BAR, GETS IN THEIR CARS AND LEAVE. THE
GUY FINALLY TURNS HIS CAR ON, AND PULLS OUT OF THE PARKING LOT WHERE THE COP
IMMEDIATELY PULLS THE GUY OVER. THE COP PULLS THE GUY OUT OF THE, PUTS THE
HANDCUFFS ON THE GUY, AND READS HIM HIS RIGHTS. THEN THE COP GIVES THE GUY A
BREATHALYZER TEST, BUT IT READS 0.00, AND THE COPS SAYS “HOW CAN THIS BE?, I SAW
YOU STUMBLE OUT OF THE BAR AND TRY YOUR KEYS IN SEVERAL CARS BEFORE YOU FOUND
YOURS, I KNOW YOUR DRUNK.” THE GUY REPLIES, “WELL TONIGHT OFFICER, I’M THE
DESIGNATED DRUNK�.

Mr Potato had three daughters all wanting to get married!
Mr Potatoes first daughter cheerfully said:
Pa I am going to marry a Jersey royal.
Mr Potato replied happily:
Nice one my dear, we will have a bit of class in the family.
Mr Potatoes 2nd daughter chipped in saying:
Pa I am going to marry a King Edward.
To which Mr Potato replied even more happier:
That is great my dear, Royalty in the family that is something speacial, we are rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous now!
Suddenly all eyes went to Mr potatoes 3rd daughter who some what said hesitantly:
Pa I am going to marry Desmond Lynom!
In disbeleif Mr Potato replied angrily:
WHAT! this is an outrage! you can not marry him.
Why not?
replied the third daughter nervously!
Because he is only a common-tater!

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You’re Drunk:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When You’re Drunk:

Specificity
“Cogito ergo sum.”
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
loquacious
transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When You’re Drunk:

Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me!
Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
Good evening, Officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn’t, no one wants to hear me sing!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

16> The pants you just wet are not your own.15> Her lips may be saying, “Baaaaa,” but her eyes are screaming, “YES!”14> “I love the TopFive Lissst. NO, NO, I LOVE THE TOPFIVE LIST! I DO, I REALLLY REAALLLY DO.”13> Well, five boilermakers ago you would have qualified as an English soccer fan.12> You just woke up next to a teddy bear you don’t recognize, with its paws in an inappropriate location.11> You wake up and realize you slept with a dog. A REAL dog.10> The ATF suggests that you take up smoking instead.9> You have vomit on your jacket. It’s not yours, but there it is, nevertheless.8> Your bed spins at 33 rpm.7> Your liver is trying to dial 9-1-1.6> You wake up naked in a strange car, clutching a keg tap and sporting fresh ink on your nether regions. Not that I’d know.5> John Kerry’s starting to sound like he’s taking a position on something.4> In a sudden moment of clarity, Bush’s foreign policy strikes you as shrewd and effective.3> You see pink elephants… and get them to give you a ride home.2> You squish when you blink.1> You are seriously considering voting for Ralph Nader.             [  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com  ]             [   Copyright 2004 by Chris White    ] 

You’re not drunk if you’re not laying on the
floor without holding on!

A- Alcohol: The key to surviving High schoolB- Beer: It’s what’s for dinner…and breakfast and lunchC- Class: What you’re supposed to get up and go to after last night’s partyD- Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks patheticE- Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking partyF- Fucked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts outG- Games: Anything that involves cards, stripping and chugging beersH- Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drankI- Idiot: What you look like after doing a lap dance on fat kid (after just three beers)J- Jail: Where you’ll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home at 5 amK- Kissing: What you’ll do to anything that moves after 15 beersL- Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcoholM- Money: That which you no longer have due to two dollar draft nite at the barN- Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don’t know…againO- Oh shit!- What you say as you’re falling down the stairsP- Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you’re drinking beerQ- Quit: What you promise to do after spending the nite in jail with Bertha the Bearded TransvestiteR- Reform: What you promise god you will do while you’re puking in the toiletS- Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk… aww yeaT- Twenty-one: Usually the age where you reach your peak of drinkingU- Underage: Most of the drinking population in townV- Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make JelloW- Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of the porcelin godX- X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it (detox)Y- Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-endZ- Zima: Zomething Different….Zomething Fun 🙂

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ”Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?” Then the lady answered, ”Excuse me, I think this is a goose.” And the bartender says, ”Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.”

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where do gays park their bikes?

between thar battymen boyfriends sweatty poo ridden shit squelching spearhead rubbing hiv spreading AAASSSSS