Category: bar & drinking

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, “What are we going to do?”

The driver says, “Don’t worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking.”

They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy’s driver’s license.

And he asks him, “Have you been drinking?”

“Oh, no, sir,” the driver replies.

“I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven’t been drinking?” the cop asks.

“Oh, no, sir,” the drunk answers. “We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight.”

“Well, I’ve got to ask you,” says the cop, “What on earth are those things on your forehead?”

“That’s easy, Officer,” says the drunk. “You see, we’re both alcoholics, and we’re on the Patch!”

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

‘What can I get you?’ the barman asks.

‘I want six shots of whisky,’ responds the young man.

‘Six shots? Are you celebrating something?’

‘Yeah, my first blowjob.’

‘Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house.’

The young man says, ‘No offence sir, but if six shots won’t get rid of the
taste, nothing will.’

What do u call the Health and Safety for twits website? absolute shit

WHAT DO YOU CALL A MILLION BLACK PEOPLE STANDING AROUND THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING?

PUBES

I WEIGH 10 STONES SO WHAT DOES A PAKI WEIGH?

SWEETS

A guy in a bar stands up and says, “All lawyers are assholes.”Another guy stands up and says “Hey…I resent that…”The first guy says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”The second guy says, “No. I’m an asshole.”

A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.
The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! Downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go…Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go with the last dart.

Three bulls eyes!!!

All are astounded. No one has ever won. The bartender searches for a prize… grabs a turtle from the bar’s terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.

Three weeks pass… The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn’t know what to give, and he asks the drunk ” Say, what did you win the last time?”

And the drunk responds “A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!”

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the bartender where’s the bathroom at?

The bartender said, go down the hall & make a right. Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom.

A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.

This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, “What’s all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away.”

The drunk said, “I’m sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”

With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, “No wonder, you’re sitting on a mop bucket!!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

A young lady taking a bath and relaxing hears a knock at the door.

“Who is it” she asks. “The blind man” comes the reply. she thinks for moment, and allows him in.
He says: “wow what beautiful tits, where can I hang the blinds”?

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.

The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. “What’ll it be?” the bartender says.

The duck says, “I think I’ll have the grapes.” “Well, I’m sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don’t serve grapes here. Now, I’ll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want.”

The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. “Ok, you got your order?” The duck nods, saying, “I’ll think I’ll have the grapes.”

The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, “Look Mac, we don’t have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don’t serve grapes, so what will you have?!”

The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, “I’ll have the grapes.”

The bartender, enraged, shouts, “If you ask for the grapes one more time I’m going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!”

The bartender cools off a bit. “Now what will you get?!” “Got any nails?” “OF COURSE WE DON’T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?”

“Good, got any grapes?”

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they “discuss” her “rating,” which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, “I’d give her a 7. She’s really quite pretty.”Another agrees, and so does the third. The bartender, while bringing a new round of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young lass. He checks her out himself and says, “Nah, I’d only give her a 3.””A 3? How can you give her a 3?”says one of the three guys at the table.”She’s a real pretty girl.”The bartender, walking away, says, “Well, I use the Budweiser method for rating women.”The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9. However, the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and tells the fellows that he’d only give her a 5.”A 5? How can you give her just a 5? She’s absolutely gorgeous!” The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method for rating women.”The Budweiser method?”they puzzle, as the bartender returns to his post behind the bar. They are quite confused.Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blonde, 5’11” goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape. Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the three “judges” at the table determine that this young sultress is, without any doubt, a 10. However, carrying a case of beer pass them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender once more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he could give her, would be a 7.”A 7? How in the world could you give her just a mere 7? She’s gorgeous!” “Well,” says the bartender again, “I use the Budweiser method for rating women.””Budweiser!” says one of the guys, exasperated.”What in the Hell is this ‘Budweiser method’ for rating women?””Well, says the bartender, “the Budweiser method for rating women, is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off her.

Phuket is a beach island and was known internationally. When more nudist linger under the sun than in water, tsunami strikes.

why did the chicken cross the road?to get on the same side.