Category: bar & drinking

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am,at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, sohe takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls overbackwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage asbest he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under thecovers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. “Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?” “I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.” “A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?” “What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?” “Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”

This man walks into a bar and two steps he realizes that it’s a gay bar. But the man really wants a drink so he goes in anyway. The man walks up to the bartender and says, “I’d like a beer.” And the bartender replys, “I can’t give you a drink until you tell me the name of your penis.” The man is very confused, so he turns to the guy on his right and asks him, “What’s the name of your penis?” And the guy replys, “Timex…. Takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin'” So then the man turns to the guy on his left and asks him, “What’s the name of your peinis?” And the man replys, “Energizer… It keeps going and going and…..” So the man finally understands what is going on, and he says to the bartender, “The name of my penis is Secret.” And the bartender asks “Why?” And the man replys, “Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.”

One night in the bar, the owner is lamenting the fact that business is so
quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays.

As he moans to some of the regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and
wearing glasses wanders over and says, “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help
overhearing your conversation. I’m a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road
and I’m trying to integrate some of the more sane individuals into the
community. Why don’t I bring some of my patients along, say next
Tuesday. You’ll have some customers and my patients will have a night out.”

Well, the publican isn’t sure but the thought of more paying customers on a
quiet night appeals, so he agrees.

So, the following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up
with about ten lunatics.

He says to the publican, “They might try to pay for their drinks in unusual
ways, please just accept whatever they give you, put it all on a tab and I’ll
settle up at closing time.”

The barman has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the
loonies to eat chips and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting drunk
and paying for their drinks with empty Coke cans, banana peels, used tea bags
and plastic shopping bags.

At closing time the barman adds up the bill and it comes to just over two
hundred dollars! The guy with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to
organize the loonies ready to take them back to the asylum. Finally he comes
over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that he’s charged them rather
a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor
unfortunate people give him a discount.

“Let’s call It $150,” he says.

The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, “That’s fine. Have you got change
for a garbage can?”

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

”Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?”

”Dogs can’t talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I’ll give you a
drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.”

”Okay,” says the guy. He turns to his dog. ”Okay fell. Tell me — what is
on top of a house?”

”Roof!” The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

”THAT isn�t talking! Any dog can bark!”

”Okay boy. Tell me — how does sandpaper feel?”

”Ruff!”

��what the hell you trying’ to pull mister?”

”Okay, okay,” says the man. “One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me —
who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?”

“Ruth�.

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk
outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and
looks at the guy.

“Geez. Maybe I should said DiMaggio?”

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man:

“Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it’s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands, piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..”

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

“Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder?

Nooo…”

Then the old man points out the window.

“Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo… ”

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

“But ya fuck one sheep . . . “

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and
went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped
his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten
smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said,
“Now listen buddy, if you don’t stop calling me that I’ll smash your face in!”

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” “No. What did that stupid shit do this time?”, says the patron. “Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole”, says the bartender. “Yeah, well I hope it kills the little fucker because he’s been driving me nuts”, says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “What now?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it”, says the barkeeper. “Well, what did you expect?”, replied the patron. “Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

Stage 1 – SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

Here’s one I made up while in the sixth grade. It’s a sixth-grade joke, but no worse than the one just read! A drunk was sitting in his car in the parking lot outside a bar, yelling: “Help! Poleesh! I’ve been robbed!” The cop on the beat came to him & said, “What’s wrong?”The drunk said, “Look for yourshelf! They took my shteering wheel, my inshtrument panel; they even took my pedalsh!” The policeman said, “No problem; everything’s right up here in the front seat!”

hi akash abst dhh ii m yg 7h

What do you call an aboriginal priest?

Holy Shit!

this 1 guy walked into a bar and told the bartender to give him a beer the bar tender said no your to drunk come back tomarrow. So he walked out and walked to the side door and said give me a beer no your to drunk. so he walked to the back door and the same guy anserd and said no. dam how many bars do you work at