Category: bar & drinking

”My God! What happened to you?” the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in
on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

”I got in a tiff with Riley.”

”Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the barkeep said, surprised. ”He must have
had something in his hand.”

��that he did,” Kelly said. ”A shovel it was.”

”Dear Lord. Didn’t you have anything in your hand?”

”Aye, that I did — Mrs. Riley’s tit.” Kelly said. ”And a beautiful thing
it was, but not much use in a fight.”

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. ”It opens at noon,” answers the clerk. About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. ”What time does the bar open?” he asks. ”Same time as before – noon,” replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. ”Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?” The clerk then answers, ”It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.” ”No! I don’t wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!”

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.”Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small,” he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.”Well, American beer,” he replies quite bemused.”Aaaahhh. There’s your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers… you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow.” Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.”I take it you now drink Guinness?” asked the doctor.”Oh no, Doc,” replies the man, “but I’ve got the wife on American beer!”

O’Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.”Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”

A Koala walks into a bar. A hooker comes up to the Koala and says, “hey hairy, want a date?” The Koala says sure, and they sit in a booth in the corner.The hooker and the Koala start to get-it-on and end up with the Koala performing oral sex on the hooker. Afterwards the hooker tries to get her money, but the Koala refuses. “Hey,” says the hooker, “don’t you know the definition of a hooker?” And the Koala says, “No, sorry, I don’t.” And the hooker says, “it’s someone who has sex for money.” And the Koala says, “Well I guess you don’t know the definition of a Koala.” “What’s that?” asks the hooker. “An animal that eats bushes and leaves.”

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Five Polacks walk into a bar. They
look around then pull their pants down and they all start to masterbate. The bartender
says “what the hell are you guys doing?”
They all point to a sign on the wall which
reads “first come first served”.

A man and giraffe walk into a bar and get totally faceless drunk. The giraffe passes out and man gets up to leave. Barman says “you can’t leave that lying there.” Man says “it’s not a lion it’s a giraffe.”

A group of loud and rowdy drunks were making a racket in the street. It was the wee small hours of the morning and the lady of the house flung open a window and shouted at them to keep quiet.

“Is this where Frank lives?” one of the drunks asked.

“Yes, it is,” the woman replied.

“Well then,” said the drunk, “Could you come and pick him out so the rest of us can go home?”

A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.”Sorry I can’t serve you,” states the barman.”Why not?!” asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.”You’re under 18,” replies the barman.

Stage 1 – SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

what do you call a mexican baptism? Bean dip!