Category: bar & drinking

15 – You spent Sunday night in jail for cow tipping � with your Oldsmobile.

14 – Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance
as you blew out your birthday candles.

13 – Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.

12 – Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stolid.

11 – For some reason, there’s salt on the rim of your basketball goal.

10 – Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea’s
pancakes.

9 – For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could’ve bought the
automobile.

8 – You’re now the proud inventor of the “Slim Jim”: Ultra
Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

7 – Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.

6 – Absolute wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape
of a bottle.

5 – Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, “Hey, it’s Vomit Man!”

4 – The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it’ll take you to find
your pants.

3 – Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a
pan of frying onions.

2 – Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.

1 – You’re now sober enough to realize “Drink Canada Dry” is a slogan and not
a personal challenge.

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

“I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning.”

“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and –WHACK!!– knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The idiot says, ‘That was a karate chop from Korea.’The little guy thinks ‘GEEZ,’ but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden –WHACK– the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, ‘That was a judo chop from Japan.’ So the little guy has had enough of this. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and *WHACK* bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!The little guy looks at the bartender and says, ‘When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears.’

A man walks into the bar with his wife. After a few drinks, he goes and uses the pisser. as soon as he wlked in their, a man walked up and said to her,

“man babby you got some nice tits i want to suck on them”

the women looking horified looked at him and said

“are you talking to me”? The man then said

“man babby you got a nice ass, i want to lick that shit”.

the women says

“my husband is in the bathroom and he is going to kick your ass”.

the man says

“man babby you got a nice pussy i want to tip you over and drink beer from that shit”

The women gets up ready to slap the man. as soon as he sees her husband walking up the man takes off. Her husband asks,

“whats wrong hunny”?

the women replies,

“Youll never believe it, this man just came up and said that he wanted to suck on my titties”

The man looks around and says,

“where is this guy”

The women said,

“thats not all he said he wanted to lick my ass”.

The man rolls up his sleeves and says,

“where is this guy, im going to kick his ass”.

The women said,

Thats not all he said,

“he wanted to tip me over and drink beer from my pussy.

The man looks around rolls down his sleeves and sits down. The women asks,

“Whats worng hunny? Arnt you going to kick his ass”?

The man replies,

“hell no, im not messing with any man that can drink that much beer”

This drunk staggers into a bar, bumping into customers and spilling drinks as he makes his way to the bar. The bartender sees what is going on and is pissed at the drunk when he finally makes it to the bar. “Get out of here!” says the bartender. “I gotta go to the baffroom,” slurs the drunk. “I said get the hell outta here or I’ll throw you out!!” yells the bartender. “I gotta go baffroom,” says the drunk and starts to drop his drawers. “Hold on, hold on” says the bartender “alright, you can go to the bathroom, but afterwards you get the hell out of my bar!” The drunk agrees and stumbles off to the bathroom. After about 5 minutes, everyone hears this loud scream. Dead silence in the bar. Another loud scream-from the bathroom. The bartender and a few customers run to the bathroom. There’s the drunk sitting down. “What the hell is going on?” asks the bartender. “I went, and every time I try to flush the toilet, it crushes my nuts!” says the drunk. “Why, you stupid shit!” said the bartender. “You’re sitting on my mop bucket!!”

there was a boy who came to his dad and said.

boy;dad you know im doing to celebrate my 25th birth day.

dad;yes my son what is that you want?

boy;i want you to buy me a new car.

dad;me and your mom have been thinking about it for long,i will buy you the car,but with condition.

boy;what is it dad?

dad;i wont you to studie hard like others,i want you to read your bible always and i want you to cut down your hair.

boy;that is cool dad.(about three weeks latter the boy came back to his dad)

dad;haha,son your mom told me that you are now doing good in anyway,but still you didnot cut down your hair,why?

boy;the bible says that both jesus and moses have long hair,if long hair is good for them then i think long hair is good for me too.

dad;hahaha,you didnot read your bible well,why coz if you read your bible well you should have known that both moses and jesus walk to where ever they want to.

Celebrating

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquired.
“I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man.

“6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?”

“Yeah, my first blowjob,” the man answered.

“Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.”

“No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!””What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look.”The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.”

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender to recommend a good drink. The
bartender says that their grasshoppers are very good, so the man orders one.
Then he has another couple.

On the way home henotices a grasshopper on the ground. He says to the
grasshopper, “do you know that there is a drink named after you?”
The grasshopper looks up at the man and says “do you mean they have a drink
called Irving?”

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition. ”What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked. The man responded, ”I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.” At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, ”Officer, don’t listen to him. He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.”This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, ”I knew we wouldn’t get far in this stolen car.”At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked ”Are we over the border yet?”

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

“Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.”

“ONE CENT – that’s awesome!” exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?”

“Certainly, sir, “replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.”

“How much money?” inquires the guy.

“4 cents,” replies the bartender.

“FOUR cents!” exclaims the guy… “Where’s the Guy who owns this place?”

The bartender replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”

The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”

The bartender replies… “Same as I’m doing to his business!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by calamjo

3 ppl on a cliff jon jak and lorain jak and jon pushed her off and sung i can c clearly now lorain has gon