Category: bar & drinking

A guy and a girl met at a bar.They’re getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands.He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.So the girl looks at him and says, ‘You must be a dentist!’.The guy all surprised says, ‘Yes, how did you figure that out ?’.The girl says, ‘Easy, you keep washing your hands’.One thing led to another.They make love.After they were done, the girl says, ‘You must be a GREAT dentist!’.The guy was very very surprised, he says, ‘Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out??’The girl says, ‘Easy, I didn’t feel a thing!’

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says “if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night”.

So he says “ok” and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says “if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says “To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him”.

Stage 1 – SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 – RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! Stage 5 – INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

superman was sitting at the bar drinking a texas shot of jack daniels he drank it just as a black guy walked in and ordered a beer superman flew out the window and across the street and back the black guy saw him do this three times and said I have to try that he got one he ran out the window and got hit by a car the bartender said boy superman your sure love killing them niggers dont you

whats the difference between in laws and out laws? out laws are wanted.

A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy and asks if he’s O.K.. The drunk replies by asking, “Do you know who I am?” The stranger says “No. Who are you?” The drunk proudly says “I’m Jesus Christ… and I can prove it! Come with me!” They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells “Jesus Christ! Are you here again?”

The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when there’s a ring on the doorbell. He opens the door, and there’s a snail sitting there.”What do you want?” asks the landlord.The snail replies that he wants a drink.”Go away, we’re closed, and we don’t serve snails anyway”.The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, picks the snail up, throws it as far as he can, and then slams the door shut. ….. Exactly one year later, he’s locking up again, and there’s a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there.”What do you want” says the landlord.”What did you do that for” says the snail.

A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks, “Can I smell your Pussy?”The woman is outraged and answers with a stern, “Of course not!”The drunk man replies…….”Oh, then it must be your feet.”

So this guy walks into a bar and says, �Gve me two beers.�The bartender obliges him. The guy looks into his wallet and says, �Give me two more beers.�So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.So the bartender asks, �What’s in your wallet that you keep looking at?�So the man opens his wallet and says, �The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets.�

There once was two men in a bar, the first man said to the second man: Hey! I noticed there was a bumper sticker on your car!

The second man looks suspicious and says: Yeah! What of it?

The first man says: Well, I collect bumper stickers and I didn’t really get to read yours.

The second man: Okay! You’re point is?

The first man: Can you tell me what it says?

The second man, looking even more suspicious than before clunches his fists tight, nocks down his beer bottle, stands up with his fist to the first man’s face and says: Look! I know what you did last summer, how could you kill my father?

The first man then runs out of the bar, scared as freak, and when he is driving away, he catches a glimpse of the man’s bumper sticker and it said: Look! I know what you did last summer, how could you kill my father?

He drives away in his car and pulls out a dead man’s body with a knife in it and his name tag says, father of The Second Man!

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets 2 shot glasses, filling 1 with water the other with whiskey. She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too. She says “I want you to see this.” She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies. She says “so what do you have to say about this experiment?” He says “IF I DRINK WHISKEY I WON’T GET WORMS!”

There’s this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink
from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: “Come on man, I was just
joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep,
and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the
building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do
nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my
wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.

I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I
leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end
to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . .”