Category: bar & drinking

What do you call a lesbian dinasor ???
Alickalotofpuss !!!

Q: a man walkes into a bar A:ouch

the teacher says to the class that she wants a sentence with the word “definately” in it so little sam says

“the sky is definately blue miss”.

the teacher replies

“no sam its not because there are white clouds sometimes”.

next tommy says

“the grass is always green miss”.

the teacher replies

“no tommy because sometimes it is brown when it dies”

then at the back of the class billy says

” is a fart lumpy miss”.

“no billy why?” the teacher replies.

” in that case then have definately shit myself then miss”.

yo mama is so old she got an autographed bible

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?”

As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”

She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch ?”

Their was this white boy. He was in the bathroom at park one day,and he saw this black boy in there. He said excuse me , but how did you get your dick so big. Thats easy said the black boy, everyday I rub it down in lard.Thankyou said the white boy,and off he went Well a few weeks past,and the white boy saw the black boy again. The black boy said hey hows it going,did the lard work. NO !! said white boy I thnik it made it smaller. What i dont understand it worked for me and my dad and my brothers. just what did you do ,maybe you did something wrong. I did what you said, i got a can of crisco out and rubed it down everday. Laughing the black boy said crisco, thats not lard thats shortening..

Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he’s going to divorce his wife.”Good grief,” says Jim, “you and Sue are the happiest couple I know! Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?””Well,” replies Fred, “truth be known, I’m just bored with screwing the same hole night after night after night. I guess I’m hankerin’ for a bit of variety.”Jim replied, “Well, if you want variety, why don’t you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?”Fred says, “What? And have a house full of kids?”

A miner comes out of the hills, enters a bar, orders a drink. Looking around, he asks the bartender, “Hey, where�re all the wimmin?”

The Barman replies, “Ain�t no wimmin here, not fer a long time.”

“Well what do y�all do?”

“We do it with the animals.”

Thoroughly disgusted, he ordered another drink and headed back to the hills.

Months later, same story… After downing too many whiskeys he asked the bartender, “You�re sure you do it with the animals?”

“Yes, we do, sir”

Hearing this, he raced into the street and saw a pig run into an alley. He chased after it and started having his way with it, the pig squealing. After a while he heard a noise behind him. He turned to look and saw half the town, horrified.

The bartender was in front and said, “My God, man, what are you doing?”

“I thought you said you all did it with the animals.”

“Yeah, but no one fucks the sheriff�s broad!”

A couple of drinkin’ buddies who are airplane mechanics and they’re out at SFO and it’s fogged in and they have nothing to do. And one of them says to the other “Man, have you got anything to drink?”

“Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel – that’ll kinda give you a buzz.”

So they do and they get smashed and have a beautiful time, like only drinkin’ buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and just knows his head is going to explode when he gets up. He knows it. It doesn’t, he gets up, it feels good, in fact he feels great – NO hangover!

The phone rings, it’s his buddy.

The buddy says “Hey, how do you feel?”

And he says “I feel great!! and the buddy says “I feel great too!! You don’t have a hangover?” and he says “No – that jet fuel is great stuff – no hangover – we ought to do this more often” and he goes

“Yeah, we could – there’s just one thing…”

He says, “What’s that?” and he says “Did you fart yet?”

“What??”

“Did you fart yet??”

“No…” and the buddy say “Well, don’t, ’cause I’m in Phoenix!!”

The guy walked into the bar (ouch) looking like he’d been run over by a truck. His hair was matted, his face bloody and scratched, his clothes torn. His friends bought him a beer, then asked, “What happened?”The guy chugged the beer and said, “I was fighting for Joanne’s virginity.””No kidding?””Yeah. But that little tiger was determined to keep it.”

This guy stumbles out of a bar, after a long night of heavy drinking.

Upon exiting the bar he passes a nun.

He stops and punches her in the face and knocks her down; while she’s on the ground he kicks her in the stomach and yells, ‘You’re not so fucking tough tonight, now are ya Batman!’

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.