Category: bar & drinking

my mate and me went for a shit in a pub

THE END.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a fish tank full of cash in 100’s. He walks up to the bartender and asks how he would be able to get that money. The bartender says “well, I have three things for you to do for me. First, theres a guy in a green hat thats been sitting inside my bar and causing trouble, i want you to go out and beat him up and throw him in the back dumpster. Second, theres a dog next to the dumpster that has a sore tooth and has been yelping for help all day, I need you to take care of it. Third, my mom is upstairs in the bedroom. She hasnt had had much “attention” in a while (if you know what I mean), so I’d like for you to help her out on that.”The man agreed.First, he takes care of the guy in the green hat inside of the bar and takes him outside and tosses him in the dumpster. Meanwhile, inside, the bartender is listening to whats going on outside and hears a whole bunch of yelling and screaming from the dog for a long time. The man comes running back into the bar, completely out of breath and says “Allright, now where’s the woman with the sore tooth?!”

There’s a man and his wife who own a pub, and have a dog called Fido, who’s 24, which is very old for a dog. One day the dog tragically dies, and they bury him but keep his tail separate as a memorial.

That night, the man hears a strange noise and rushes downstairs to find the dog’s ghost, demanding for his tail back.

The man was just about to give the tail back when the wife rushed down and said:
‘Don’t give it back! Don’t give it back!’
‘Why?’ asked the man.
‘You’re not allowed to retail spirits after 12:00!’

There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall
playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and

the barman tells him he’ll tell him later.

So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
‘Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a
wish.’

‘OK,’ says the guy.

He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
‘You have one wish.’

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke
fills the room and when the smoke clears there

are a million ducks crowding the bar.

He tells the barman,
‘Hey, I didn’t want a million ducks.’

The barman replies, ‘You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?’

This gay guy walks into the bar and says,”Bartender I am gay but I would like to stay and have a drink.” So he replied,” Ok, you can stay if you go to the end of the bar and not mess with anyone.” So the guy accepted and walked away. A little while after that a big John Wayne Character walks in as says,” Bartender, I’d Like a brewsky.” Well, the bartender gave it to him and the Character drank it in one sip. He slamed down the mug and said,”I fell like a stud bull!” and the gay guy said,”Mooo!”

A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.

“This is a stickup!” He yells. “Put all your dough in a bag!”

“Don’t shoot,” pleads the barkeep. “I’ll do whatever you say!”

The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender’s head and says, “All right, now give me a blow job!”

“Anything!” cries the bartender. “Just don’t shoot!”

The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.

The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. “Hold the gun, dammit,” he says. “One of my friends might walk in!”

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The barman asks him,
‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.’

The Irishman replies,
‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America and the other’s in Australia and I’m here in Dublin.

When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together’

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.

One day he comes in and orders only two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says,
‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
‘Oh no,’ he says. ‘Everyone’s fine. I’ve just given up drinking.’

Never fight an ugly person… they have nothing to lose

Father:Why did you put a hole in the book?

son :It is because my teacher asked me to go through the book.

There once was a lady from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
In a couple of hours,
her bum was in flowers.
And her face was covered in weeds

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.”Excuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.”What was that all about?””Nothing,” said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”

A drunk walked into a tavern, sat down at the bar. He placed a small cardboard
box on the bar, and ordered a beer. When the beer came, he opened the box,
pulled out a tiny piano and bench and set them on the bar, then ordered another
beer.

When the beer came, he reached into the box, pulled out a frog, sat him on the
piano bench and said, “PLAY”.

The frog immediately began to play the piano. It played all the favorites, and
some classical and then launched into contemporary jazz.

The man ordered another beer, and when it came he reached into the cardboard
box and pulled out a little white mouse.

He set this mouse on top of the piano and said, “SING”.

The frog began to play the piano and the mouse began to sing, first some
‘oldies but goodies’, then all of the current favorites.

A man at the bar who was watching all of this approached the man and offered
to buy this little outfit that the man had.

After a bit of negotiating, the man drunk agreed to sell it to the man for
$500. The man gathered everything into the little cardboard box and ran out the
door before the drunk could change his mind.

The bartender had been watching all of this goings on and said to the drunk
“You damned old fool! You just sold that little outfit you had for $500 and you
could have made millions off of it!”

The drunk laughed heartily and replied, “I am not the fool, the guy who bought
it is. Do you really think I would have sold that if that mouse could really
sing?”

The bartender responded “What do you mean, I stood right here and
listened to that mouse sing!” “The joke is on you and the guy who bought that
outfit my friend “, chuckled the drunk. � That mouse can’t sing. The frog is a
ventriloquist!”