Category: bar & drinking

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half. Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, “I know it’s none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole “drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one” routine?” “Well,” slurred the man, “There’s a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it’s time for me to go home.”

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. ‘What the heck are you doing ?’ he asks the drunk. ‘I’m looking for my car, and I can’t find it.’ he replies. ‘So how does feeling the roof help you ?’ asks the puzzled manager.’Well,’ replies the drunk earnestly, ‘MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!’.

a guy is sitting at a bar on the 35 floor of a skyscraper and orders a tall mug of beer. he gulps it down and jumps out the window! five minutes later he comes back and orders another mug of bear and jumps out the window. another five minutes later he comes back and orders another beer and drinks it. he starts running to jump out the window and a guy yells wait. the guy stops and the man who called him asked how he jumps out the window and dosnt get hurt. he replies”you drink some beer and it creates bubbles in your stomach letting you float safly to the ground” the other guy now orders a beer and jumps out the window. then the bartender says to the original guy ” Superman your mean when your drunk.”

A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.”The barman looks at him and says “Sorry, I can’t serve you.””Why not?” askes the brain.”You’re already out of your head.”

A man walks into a bar and says, “Excuse me, I’d like a pint of beer.”

The bartender serves the drink and says, “That’ll be four dollars.”

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

� Sorry, sir,” the bartender says, “but I can’t accept that.”

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again.
“What’s going on here?” the man asks.

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, “This is a Singles Bar.”

u r gay ha ha ha

1)You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3) Job interfering with you’re drinking.

4) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5) Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

6) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

8) 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case – coincidence?

9) Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!

10) You can focus better with one eye closed.

11) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

12) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

13) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

14) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

15) At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”

16) Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

17) The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you walk in.

18) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and
Women

19) Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and
more attractive.

20) Roseanne looks good.

21) Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

22) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.

23) Senator’s Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

24) “I’m as jobber as a sedge.”

25) The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.

A newfy man walks into a bar and orders himself a drink. when the bar tender brings it over to him, he ask him if he was a betting man. The bar tender replys, why yes, i,ve been known to take a bet from time to time, depending on what it was. why?
Well, says the newfoundlander, i,m willing to bet you $1000.00 that i could piss in that shot glass on the shelf behind your head!…The bar tender turns to see where he was pointing and then looks back at the newfy and says to him, ok pal your on, but you have to do it from where you,re standing.
Not a problem says the newf, so the bar tender places his $1000.00 on the bar next to the newfs and then the newf pulls down his fly and starts to pee.
He,s pissin on the bar, on the wall, on the floor, and even on the bar tender, but not one drop goes into the shot glass!
When he finishes, the bar tender”LAUGHING TO KILL HIMSELF” picks up his newly won money and then realizes that the newf is laughing as well.
So he says, you know, for a man that just lost a thousand bucks, your taking it pretty well.
Yep, says the newf, but you see those three guys standing outside the window?
Yes i do, says the bar tender, why?
Well before i came into your bar i bet them $10.000.00 that i could come in here and piss all over your bar and you and have you laugh about it!!!!!!!

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said �No thanks, I don’t drink, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!� So the bartender said, �Well would you like a cigarette,� but the man said �No, I don’t smoke, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!� The bartender asked him if he’d like to play a game of pool, and again the man said �No I don’t like pool, I tried it once but I didn`t like it. As a matter of fact I wouldn`t be here at all, but I’m waiting on my son!� The bartender said, �Your only son I presume!!�

A man is driving with wife, when he is pulled over by a policeman.
“Sir,” says the cop. “You were going 60 in a 50.”

“No, I wasn’t.”

“Yes, you were,” says the wife.

“Keep quiet!” says the man, angrily.

“And you weren’t wearing a seatbelt,” says the cop.

“Yes I was.”

“No, you weren’t,” says the wife.

“SHUT UP!” says the man, really angry.

“Ma’am,” asks the cop, “is he always the rude and violent?”

“Only when he’s DRUNK.”

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”

It was New Year’s Eve … by then, actually, it was very early on New Year’s morning. The drunk staggered out of the men’s room and wobbled his way to the bar.

“I, uh, lll…, I’ll ha-have anudder. Maske itta dubble.” The bartender looks him over and notices the vomit staining the front of the drunk’s sharp looking suit. “Buddy, it looks to me like you’ve had quite enough. Why don’t you call it a night and go home.”

The drunk protests… “N-n-no! I ca-can’t. My, my wife, you, you see… She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she seez what Ife done to it… She, she’s gunna kill m-me. Juss gimmie a doubble…”

“Tell you what,” the bartender says. “You got any 20 dollar bills on you?”

The drunk pulls out his wallet and thumbs through and replies… “Y-yeah, I got a few….” The bartender takes one of the twenties and stuffs it in the shirt pocket of the poor drunk. “There you go buddy. When your wife asks you what happened, you just tell here that you were innocently passing by the bar on your way home when some boozer staggers out, holds onto you, and barfs all over you. He then apologizes and shoves a twenty in your pocket so you can get the suit dry cleaned!”

“B-br-brilliant!”, the drunk exclaims excitedly. “Thish jush might w-work!”

The drunk goes home and sure enough, his wife is waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand. “Look at you! You’re a disgrace! Look at what you’ve done to your new suit!”

“N-no hunnybunsh,” the drunk stammers… “Y-you see, I was juss passing by the b-ba-bar when this drunken sod stumbles out, b-ba-bar-barfs all over me, and then he shoved a twenty dollar bill in my pocket, he sez, so I, I can get my suit drykleened…”

The wife looks in the drunk’s pocket and pulls out the money.

“Wait a minute…” the wife says, “there are TWO twenty dollar bills in your pocket.”

The drunk reels, regroups, and explains… “Wha-wha… Well thass because after he puked on me, he … he took a crap in my pants!”