Category: bar & drinking

A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his fly. As he walks up to the bar the bartender says, “Hey pal, you know you’ve got a steering wheel coming out of your fly?”And the pirate says “R it’s driving me nuts!”

A guy from Wigan goes in a pub and orders a beer, bar man says “whitbread”?

Guy says “2 slices please!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A bartender is preparing to close the bar. He has to ask the last man to leave after staying all afternoon & evening. The man leaves with no problem. The bartender sweeps up, puts the chairs up, turns out the lights and is just about to lock the door when someone pounds on the door. He opens the door to find the man who he had just asked to leave standing there. The drunk says “You have to help me, I can’t find my car”. The bartender ask’s “Where did you last see it?” The drunk replies “It was right here on the end of my key”. The bartender realizing that the man was in no condition to drive, told him “come on back in, I’ll turn on the lights and call you a cab”. When he got the man inside, he noticed that his fly was open and his pecker was hanging out. He told the man “Hey, your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out”!! The drunk looked down in astonishment and screamed “OH NO! First my Car and NOW my Girlfriend!!!!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?”

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day’s work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe’s curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, �Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?� The man replied, �There’s a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin’ good, I’m headin’ home!�

A guy goes into a bar and goes up to the bartender. He says “I bet you 200 bucks I can piss in that glass in the corner and not spill a drop.” The bartender agreed knowing he could never do it. So the man goes into the corner and pisses all ove everything even the bartender. So he walks back to the laughing bartender and the bartender says “I knew you couldn’t do it.” The man replies, “You can have your 200 dollars, I just bet those guys over there 2000 dollars that I could piss all over your place and you still would be laughing.”

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, ‘How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?’ The man said, ‘because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I’m gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home.’

A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender brings it to him and asks “Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps”.

The guy says “Well, I’ve suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!”

“Wow, that must have been hard!” the bartender says “What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?”

The guy at the bar replies “Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!”

A obviously pissed off man walks into a bar and yells “All Lawyers are assholes! Show Me a Lawyer, and I’ll show you an Asshole!” Another man walks up to the guy and says “I resent that statement!” The first guys says “Why, Are you a Lawyer?”and the second guys replies “NO! I’m an ASSHOLE!”

Three women sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie.

One day they decide to name their boyfriends after softdrinks to tell the difference between them.

The first one says “I’ll name mine 7-up because he’s seven inches and always up.”

The second one says “I’ll name mine MOUNTAIN DEW because he likes to mount and do me.”

And the third one says “I’ll name mine Jack Daniels.”

The others say “Hey! That’s not a softdrink that’s a hard licker!”.

She says “That’s My Georgie!!”

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. ‘What the heck are you doing ?’ he asks the drunk. ‘I’m looking for my car, and I can’t find it.’ he replies. ‘So how does feeling the roof help you ?’ asks the puzzled manager.’Well,’ replies the drunk earnestly, ‘MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!’.

hi waz up how r u all doin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am kate who r u.