Category: bar & drinking

Your momma is so skinny she can hola hope with a fruit lope

– You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

– You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

– Job interfering with your drinking.

– Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

– Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

– The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

– Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

– 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence?? – I think not!

– Two hands and just one mouth… now THAT’S a drinking problem!

– You can focus better with one eye closed.

– The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

– You fall off the floor…

– Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

– Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

– Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

– At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh.

– Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

– You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

– The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…

– You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

– Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.

– Roseanne looks good.

– Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

– That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

– Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

– I’m as jober as a sudge.

– The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.

– You wake up screaming “TORO, TORO, TORO!” in the middle of the night.

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.The drunk’s wife greets them at the door: “Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?”

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Hi stranger, my name is Mike. I’ll give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries.” The man says, “Thanks…Mike’s Place?” “Nope.””Mike’s Tavern?” “No,””Mike’s Pub?””No, but here’s a free beer anyway. Nobody ever get’s it. The joint’s name is Sally’s Leggs! “That’s a good one.” the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and ask’s him what he is doing there. He responds, “I’m just waiting for Sally’s Leggs to open, so I can wet my whistle!”

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor swaying. FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress. ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar. SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark. FAULT: The Bar is closing. ACTION: Panic. SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom. FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter. ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch ,asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely – but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

A guy goes to the mens toilet in a bar. Standing next to him is a gay joker relieving himself as well. He looks down and notices the chap has a patch like an anti smoking patch on his penis.

He says “What’s that?”

The other man says “To help me give up.”

“Does it work?” asks the first chap.

“Oh, yes.” says the other, “I’m down to four butts a day!”

Edited by calamjo and curtis

last week i went to my bank. I went up to the window and asked- are you hiring joke tellers today? She said-we have no interest!

yo mamas like a bigmac, full of fat and only worth a buck

Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.

They only had a dollar in change between them. “I’ve got it, follow Me.” said
the first man.

They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. “We’ll
go into a bar and order drinks, and when the

Bartender asks for money, I’ll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop
to your knees and pretend to suck me off.”

The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds.

When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.

The bartender tells them, “That will be 3 dollars�.

The first man stands up and unzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees
and starts sucking on the hot-dog.

“You faggots�, screams the bartender. “Get the hell out of here!”

They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender
asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and

The second man drops to his knees.

The bartender throws them out.

After the sixth bar the second man complains, “Man this isn’t working out so
well, my knees are killing me!”

“You think you’ve had it bad�, the first man exclaims. “I lost the hotdog 4
bars ago!”

This guy runs into a bar and shouts, “Quick, how tall is a penguin??”

The bartender looks stunned.

“An empire penguin can be about this tall,� he says, gesturing.

So the guy says, “Oh no, I just ran over two nuns!”

what do you call half a rabbit?
RAB!!