Category: bar & drinking

You so ugly the doctor slapped you your mother and your father when you was born

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in
a while. What happened, you look terrible!”
“What do you mean? I’m fine.”
“What about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my
leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I’m fine, really.”
“Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both
hands.”
“We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword
fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel
great, really.”
“Oh,” said the bartender, “what about that eye patch? The last time you were
in here you had both eyes.”
“One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up
and one of them crapped in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t have lost an eye just from
some bird crap!”
“Well, I really wasn’t used to the hook yet.”

am looking for my red goat so i need some one who will find it for i will give that person the head.

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, “Reebok”. She thinks that’s a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, “When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement.” A bit later, his pants are off and she sees “Puma” tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word “AIDS” tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock. “I’m not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!” He says, “It’s cool baby, in a minute it’s going to say “ADIDAS”.

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducked.

HaHA!

a guy runs into a bar!!!

– You lose arguments with inanimate objects.- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.- Job interfering with your drinking.- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.- Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.- The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.- Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.- Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!- You can focus better with one eye closed.- The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.- You fall off the floor…- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.- Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!- Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you- At AA meetings you begin: ”Hi, my name is… uh.- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.- You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. – hmm.- The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…- You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women/Men.- Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.- Roseanne looks good.- Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.- That damned pink elephant followed me home again.- Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.- I’m as jober as a sudge.- The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.- You wake up screaming ”TORO, TORO, TORO!” in the middle of the night.

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After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said “Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please.” The bartender gave him the drink.Then the Budweiser President orders, “The King Of Beers — Budweiser.” The bartender proceeds with the order.The Amstel President walks in and orders “The Finest Beer ever.” The bartender gives him an Amstel.Then the Guinness President says, “I’ll have a coke please.” The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.All the Presidents looked over at him and said, “Why have you ordered a coke?” He replied, “Well if you all aren’t drinking beer, then neither shall I.”

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?”

The bartender quickly replies, “The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pints goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” He explains. “It’s just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

Hasn’t affected me brothers though.