Category: bar & drinking

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks “This guy doesn’t know the difference,” so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out.

He promptly hollers at the bartender: “I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!”

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.

The patron takes a sip…same reaction. But the bartender still doesn’t believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says: “Shay mister, taste this!” The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out.

“It tastes like piss,” he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: “It is. How old am I?”

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.

The first one says, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.”

“So”, says the second drunk, “What’s yer point?”

“Well”, says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”

A hunter went hunting for a gorilla. He brought three axes. He threw one axe but the gorilla caught it. Then he threw another axe. But the gorilla caught it. Then he threw the third axe. But he missed. But why and how did the gorilla die?

The gorilla beat himself with the axes!

truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”

The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”

“Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

“Money or another miracle else no drink”, says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy “Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.”

“Not so”, says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a
steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. “Hey,” he says, “What’s with
the steering wheel down your pants?”

“Ach,” says the Irish man, “it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.The man said, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?” The bartender quickly replied, “The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.”

There are two gay men one go’s to the refrigrater to get a drink when he go back to the room the man says were is the condom he said i must have droped it he go’s back and a child is playing with it he say give me my “twinky” the child said no the man said i’ll give you 10 dollars the child said no he said i’ll give you 20 dollars he said no the went up to a 100 dollars and the child finally gave it to him the child went home and the childs mother says were did you get all that money he said sold a man a twinky but the trick is on him cus i ate all the cream filling.

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks “this guy doesn’t know the difference,” so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!”

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip…same reaction.

But the bartender still doesn’t believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.

He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:
“Shay mishter, tashte this!” The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out.

“That tastes like pee!,” he shoots back at the drunk.

The drunk replies: “It ish. Now how old am I?”

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”

“What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look.

“The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.”

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight….”I promise!”

Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way to easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing he’d probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution especially since I was smashed, in order to avoid a conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 o’clock. He didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh crap!”, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times,giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.”

Joe is walking along a dark street at night when he hears a lot of laughter and shouting from an Irish bar across the road.

Joe thinks, “Hmm…never been in an Irish bar before and I am bored and lonely. I’ll go check it out.”

In he walks, amidst hoots of laughter. He looks up at a stage in the center of the room and sees a man going to the microphone.

He taps the microphone twice and says “42”. Everyone bursts out laughing and he walks off the stage.

Another man comes up and yells “68!” The crowd laughs louder still!

A third man walks up and shouts “12!!”

Joe is quite confused by now so he finds the manager and asks, “Why does everyone laugh when they are only calling out numbers?”

“Well,” says the Manager, “we got tired of saying the same jokes over and over again so we assigned them numbers so each number called out is a joke.”

“Ohh,” said Joe. “Am I allowed a go then?”

“Sure!” the manager exclaimed, So up on to the stage went Joe and yelled at the top of his voice “168”.

The patrons laughed so loudly the room shook. They carried him off the stage and bought him a few drinks.

After that, he went to the manager and asked, “Why was my joke so funny?”

The manager was still chuckling but he said, “Well, they haven’t heard that one before!!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo