Category: bar & drinking

A guy walked inta a bar and said “OUCH”

Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. They were almost there and sow a sign that said “Disneyland Left?”” so they turned around and went home.

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A group of friends got together and went to a bar for happy hour. Little did they realize that a cop was around the corner just waitin’ for some poor, inebriated soul to attempt to operate a motor vehicle. Sure enough, about two hours later, a fella came out and headed for his car.

Of course, not in a straight line. No no no. This man could hardly stand, much less walk. He stopped to have a conversation with a telephone pole. He smoothed his hair while looking at himself in a stopsign. He even lit his Bic pen and had a smoke during his escapade. The cop waited patiently for this guy to get behind the wheel and start driving. The man dropped his keys several times, and even had to sit down and take a short break.

Meanwhile, the group of friends headed out to their cars and drove away. The cop waited. Finally, the moment of truth. The man finally managed to start his car and begin driving. Immediately, the office turned on his lights and pulled the unfortunate patron over. A sobriety test ensued. The man passed every test with flying colors!

The policeman administed the breathalizer, and the result was 0.0. The cop was quite pissed. “I don’t understand it. A while ago you could hardly stay conscious, and now this?” exclaimed the cop. “What’s the story?”

The man replied smugly, “My friends and I are very responsible when it comes to drinking. Today was my turn to be the designated decoy.”

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender asks what to do with his tab. The duck replies,”Just put it on my bill.”

This guy goes into a bar leading a half-sized alligator on a leash. The
bartender yells at him, “You can’t bring that animal In here!”

The man says, “This isn’t just any old alligator, he knows tricks. I’ll show
you.” He lets the alligator climb up on the bar, Then says, “This alligator can
hold his mouth open for any length of time you say, to the exact second. Name a
time.”

So, the bartender says “47 seconds�. The man says, “OK, when I say go,
start your watch. Go!” The alligator opens its mouth Wide, while the bartender
watches his mouth. The man says, “To prove how much confidence I have in my pet,
I’m going to lay my Dick in his mouth. But, just for safety’s sake, start
counting the seconds from 45 on.” The man does so, and when the Bartender starts
saying “45…46…47.” right when he says 48 the man pulls back his dick and the
alligator’s mouth snaps Shut.

Everyone at the bar was very impressed with this stunt. The man says, “Thanks
a lot! Now, would anyone else like to try?”

And, of course, all the men just sort of mumble and turn back to their drinks.
I mean, trust only goes so far.

One little guy at the end raises his hand rather timidly.

The man says, “You there!! You’re a real man! You’re brave enough to try
this??!”

To which the other man says, “Yet, but I don’t think I could keep my
mouth open the whole 47 seconds.”

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a “good time.”

“Look,” says the woman, “what do you think I am? I don’t turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!”

“OK,” replies Joe, “so how many does it take?”

there is this guy and he always goes for late night drinks at the bar.

he always carries a picture of his wife in his pocket and whenever he finishes a beer he take the picture out and looks at it.

finally the bar tender askes him why he looks at this girls picture after every beer

the man replies well this is my wife and when she looks good i go home.

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, “Ossssifer, you need
to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it
away yesterday!”

A Guy Walked Into A bar …..
OUCH !!!!!

Askeleton walks into a bar and tells the bartender,”Give me a beer and a mop!””

“

A man walked out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A street cop on his beat sees the guy and approaches him.

“Can I help you, sir?” said the cop.

“Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replied.

The policeman asked, “Where was the car the last time you saw it?”

“It wassss at the end of thisss key,” the man replied.

About that time, the officer looked down to see that the man’s dick was hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asked the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”

The man looked down woefully and without missing a beat, moans, “Oh, God. They got my girlfriend too!”

Submitted by Frodo
Edited by Yisman

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, “I have four sons. One more and I’ll have a basketball team.”The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, “That’s nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I’ll have a football team.”To which the Mormon replied, “You fellas ain’t got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course.”