Category: bar & drinking

Rooney owned an Irish pub in the Bronx, and in the summertime a swarm of flies seemed to just hover over the buffet table. This had been going on for about a month when O’Malley, the neighborhood mooch, walked in one day. ”I’m not giving you another free beer!” Rooney hollered, as he noticed O’Malley.

The drunk was not without a plan, however. He approached Rooney and offered him a deal. ”I been noticing these flies for the last weeks. If you’ll give me a shot, I’ll kill every one of them for you.”

Rooney gave him the agreed-upon shot. Once he had downed it, O’Malley got up and headed for the door.

”All right,” he shouted, ”send ’em out—-one at a time!”

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

“Jeez,” the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.

He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

“Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home.”

“That was nice of you,” she says, looking around…
“But where’s his wheelchair?”
(woo-hoo! that’s MEAN!

what did the man say when he walked into the bar

OUCH

So this guy walks into a bar and says, �Gve me two beers.�The bartender obliges him. The guy looks into his wallet and says, �Give me two more beers.�So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.So the bartender asks, �What’s in your wallet that you keep looking at?�So the man opens his wallet and says, �The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets.�

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear”.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

It’ll hit you in a minute.

As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warings on Alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negitive effects. This is also an increasing occurence in other countries as well. It has come to our attention, that a few additional warning may be appropritate.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a “2” is a “10”.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy, named Chuck.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. AND Instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant the new guidelines should read…

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.

A rabbit walks into a pub, and orders a cheese and ham toasted sandwich.

He wolfs this down, and follows it with a carrot toasted sandwich, and finally a ham and onion toasted sandwich.

Finally stuffed full, he wanders out into the night, burping.

The next day, the Landlord sees the rabbit again, wearing dark glasses and looking very much the worse for wear.

“Wow!” He says, “What on earth happened to you?”

“Mixing my toasties” the rabbit muttered.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by ���rt��

Three women were sitting at a bar talking about how loose they were , the first one said, “My boyfriend can fit his fist up there.”

The second one says, “My boyfriend can fit his arm up there.”

The third just laughed and slid down the bar stool.

~~
Submitted by Hazel

wats da differens bettwen a blond and a bowling ball you can only fit tree fingers in a bowling ball

Yo momma is so short that when i told her to stand up she told me she already was.

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey ! How
about it babe ? You and me ?”

As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could
use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”

She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by
the inch ?”