Category: bar & drinking

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less. Makes you think.

4. Watch more TV. You’ve been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.

7. Get in a whole NEW rut!

8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.

9. Don’t eat cloned meat.

10. Create loose ends.

11. Get more toys.

12. Get further in debt.

13. Don’t believe politicians.

14. Break at least one traffic law.

15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

16. Don’t swim with piranhas or sharks.

17. Associate with even worse business clients.

18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of
them.

19. Wait around for opportunity.

20. Focus on the faults of others.

21. Mope about faults.

22. Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

A woman goes into a bar real depressed and uses her last 10 dollars to buy a drink. All of a sudden she gets an idea that she knows will solve her problems.

She takes her change and goes to the man at the end of the bar and says, ” Mister, I’m broke and my landlord said if I dont give him the rent money first thing in the morning, I’m out of a place to live. I’ll bet you my last five dollars that i can come up with a rhyme that you can’t come up with a reply to.”

The man wanting to help her says ok go ahead.

So she tells him, “six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine. I can tell the length of yours but you can’t tell the depth of mine.”

The man scratches his head and says, “your right, I can’t top that.” and he pays her the five dollars.

Then she goes to the next man and the next until she has beat every man in the bar. So she goes to the next bar and starts betting 100 at a time. She does this at every bar on the block until she has 3,000 dollars. Deciding thats enough she heads for home.

On her way she meets a bum in an alley and decides to have a little fun. So she tells the bum that she will bet her 3,000 dollars against his bottle of booze that she can tell him a ryhme to wich he cant come up with a reply. The bum figures what the heck and says “your on”

Six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can tell the length of yours but you can’t tell the depth of mine.

The bum sits back, thinks for a minute and says “six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can piss in yours but you can’t piss in mine!!”

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered. The first guy said, ”Hey, I’ll bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!” Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, ”YOU’RE ON!” So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. ”WOW,” screamed the 2nd guy, ”That was incredible. Do it again!” So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. ”That is remarkable. Do it one more time!””Ok,” said the first guy, ”But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it.” The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. ”Your turn,” he said.So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. ”This is easy. He did it, so can I!” The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact. Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer. The bartender remarked, ”You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman!”’

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal,
between two elderly men.

He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.

“What the hell is that?” he asks.

“War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to
save my dick but they had to leave two holes”

Then the guy looks to his right and sees. . . three streams !!!

“What the hell is that?”

“War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes”

The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see. . . 12
streams!!

“War wound??”

“Naah, my zipper’s stuck”

After a holiday, workers were coming back to work, and those who had already
been inside the workshop, greeted every new arrival walking in with the same
question, “Hey, pal, how have your holiday been?” And everybody would answer
proudly, “It was a beautiful celebration. I don’t remember a thing!”

There was a blind man who walked into a bar with a seeing eye dog. The man started swinging the dog around in the air, the bar tender said “What are you doing!””. The man said “”Oh just taking a look around””.

“

Yo momma so poor, I saw her kicking
a can and I asked her what she was
doing and she said moving.

Yo momma so poor, I saw her chasing
the garbage truck with her shopping
list in her hand.

Do you know what would look good on you? Me!

three
gus

A brunette walks into a bar and says, “Gimme an ML.” The bartender says, ” What’s an ML?” She says, ” A Miller Light.” Another Brunette walks in and says, “Gimme a BL.” The bartender says, “What’s a BL?” She says, “Bud Light.” A dumb blonde walks in and says, “Gimme a 15.” The bar tender says,” What’s a fifteen?” She says,” 7&7, duh!”

Some Guinness was spilled on the bar room floor as the pub was closed for the night. Out from his hole crept a wee brown mouse and stood in the pale moonlight. He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor and back on his haunches he sat. And all night long you could hear him roar “Bring on the God damn cat!!!”

A man walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy.”
Bartender says, “You want them *both* now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?”

The guy says, “Oh, I want them both now. I’ve got my best buddy in my pocket here.” and he pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks “You mean to say, He can drink that much?”

“Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some.” the man retorted.

So the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

“That’s amazing” says the bartender.

“What else can he do, can he walk?”

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, “Hey, Rodney, Go fetch that quarter.” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock.

“That’s amazing,” he says, “what else can he do? Does he talk?”

The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks “Talk? Sure *he* talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native Witch doctor a “Jerk!”