Pianist

A guy walks into a bar and sees one other man sitting there drinking a beer
looking a little forlorn. There is, also a foot tall midget playing the piano.
The other guy has a magic lamp next him, so the first guy sits down next to him
and asks him if he can have one of the three wishes. The guy says he can because
he has used one and doesn’t feel like using the last two. So, the man rubs the
lamp a genie pops out and asks him for his wish. the man wishes for 1000 bucks.
The genie grants his wish and as soon as he goes away ducks start walking into
the bar. He counts them and there are 1000. He complains”Hey I asked for 1000
bucks not ducks. Then the guy next to him replies “you don’t think I asked for a
12 inches pianist do you?”

Secret weapon

Two buddies were sitting at the bar in a singles’ club and talking about another guy who was sitting at the other end of the bar.

“I don’t get it,” complained the first guy, “He`s not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here.”

“Yeah,” replies his buddy, “He`s not even a very good conversationalist. All he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows.”

Submitted by Curtis

Shouting the Bar

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.” The bartender does just as the drunk requested and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.” The bartender gets angry and throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.” The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can’t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.” The bartender can’t believe it. He gets furious, picks the guy up and hurls him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, “What, no drink for me this time?” The drunk replies, “You! No way! You get too violent when you drink!”

One More Son..

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, “I have four sons. One more and I’ll have a basketball team.”The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, “That’s nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I’ll have a football team.”To which the Mormon replied, “You fellas ain’t got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course.”

Charge By The Inch

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?” As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch ?”

The Bailey Beverage

This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says she’ll be
happy to pick up the round as she’s heard of a new drink she wants him to try.

She gets back to the table and has two drinks for him. One is a measure of
Bailey’s. The other full of lime juice.

She says, “Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey’s, hold it in your
mouth, and then drink the lime juice.”

He looks a little dubious but does as he’s told because she’s really cute when
she’s enthusiastic.

First he swallows the Bailey’s. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth.

Then he chugs the lime juice.

After about a second, the cream in the Bailey’s curdles in his mouth.

Two seconds into it his face turns the color of fresh lime juice.

Three seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to swallow the mess.

As he makes a face, she whispers sweetly in his ear, “It’s called ‘Blowjob
Revenge’.”

14 pints of Guinness

A bloke goes into a pub.
The barmaid asks what he wants.

‘I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off,’ he replies.

‘You dirty bastard!’ shouts the barmaid, ‘Get out before I get my husband.’

The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again.

The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.

‘I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off,’ he replies.

‘What???’ screams the barmaid, ‘That’s it! You’re barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, get out now.’

Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.

‘Right. I’ll give you one last chance,’ says the barmaid. ‘Now, what do you want?’

‘I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you.’

The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly.

‘What’s up, love?’ says the husband.

‘There’s this disgusting bloke downstairs. When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off,’ she says in a flood of tears.

‘What? He’s a dead man,’ shouts the husband getting out of his chair.

‘Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers, spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off,’ screams the wife.

‘Right, he’s going to need a body bag, the bastard,’ shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.

‘Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me,’ she concludes.

When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.

‘Aren’t you going to do something?’ shouts the wife in hysterics.

‘Listen love, I’m not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness…’