Category: bar & drinking

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys’ car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat. “Sir,” the cop says.”Why do you have all those knives?””They’re for my juggling act,” the man says.”I don’t believe you,” says the cop.”Prove it.” So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.”Man,” says the first guy.”I’m glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.”

a guy walked into a bar
OUCH

A piece of balogna walked into a bar, he asks for a drink. The bartender replies, “We don’t serve food here.”

A guy sees a pretty lady at the end of the bar and is interested in buying her a drink. He tells the bartender that he will buy her another of whatever she is drinking. The bartender says ”OK, I’ll pour it for her. But just for your information, she’s a hooker. She’ll do what you want for money.”

The drink gets delivered and the woman makes eyes at the guy, inviting him over. After a couple of minutes of chatting, the guy gets up the nerve to ask her: ”The bartender says you’re a hooker, is that true?”

The woman says ”Yes. I do it for the money. In fact, I’ll do anything for $200.”

The guy thinks for a minute and then pulls out $200, gives it to her and says ”Paint my house.”

What does micheal jackson like so much about 20 8 year olds?
Ther is twenty of them.

Woman walks into a bar . . . totally nude and asks the barkeep if he can serve her a drink.
He looks her up and down and says, “Well sure, but it doesn’t appear by the your appearance that you’ll be able to pay for it.”

The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what she’s got, “Will this do?” she asks.

The barkeep takes a look and responds, “Ya got anything smaller?”

Sven and Osmond are good friends.

Each day, they get together after work and have a shot in a local bar.

This is a tradition that goes on for some time.

One day, Osmond says to Sven, “Sven, if I die before you, promise me that you will have a shot for me, each day.”

Sven considers this and agrees.

Well, sure enough, Osmond dies, and sure enough, Sven has an extra shot for him every day after work.

This goes on for some time, and the waitress is quite familiar with the ritual and the reason.

One day, Sven comes in and orders one drink. Well, the waitress is shock, and says, “But, Sven, aren’t you going to have another drink for your friend, as usual?”

Sven says, “Well, you see, I joined Alcoholics Anonymous, but I don’t think that Osmond should be punished for that.”

A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign that reads “$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details.” Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the bartender what he has to do to win the prize. “You have to do three things and its all yours,” the bartender says. “Just three things?” the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and imagining about walking out of the bar $2,000 richer. “What are the three things?””Well,” the bartender says, “first you have to go over to that 200-pound bouncer and knock him out…” “After that, I’ve got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who needs a tooth pulled…””Then you have to go and make love to the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs.” “No problem,” the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, “Hey pal your shoelace is untied.” When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single, solid uppercut. Next he heads to the back room where the pitbull is housed. The bartender can heara tremendous commotion from the back room it sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy. After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily. “Okay,” he says, “where’s the old broad that needs her tooth pulled??”

A dyslexic walks into a bra….

a reesent studdi has chown thet peaple hoo arr fooken bad spellerz arr amazen in bed.

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”

The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it’s time to go home.”

A bloke goes into a pub. The barmaid asks what he wants. ‘I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off,’ he replies.’You dirty bastard!’ shouts the barmaid, ‘Get out before I get my husband.’The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again. The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.’I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off,’ he replies.’What???’ screams the barmaid, ‘That’s it! You’re barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, get out now.’Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.’Right. I’ll give you one last chance,’ says the barmaid. ‘Now, what do you want?”I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you.’The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly. ‘What’s up, love?’ says the husband.’There’s this disgusting bloke downstairs. When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off,’ she says in a flood of tears.’What? He’s a dead man,’ shouts the husband getting out of his chair.’Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers, spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off,’ screams the wife.’Right, he’s going to need a body bag, the bastard,’ shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.’Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me,’ she concludes.When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.’Aren’t you going to do something?’ shouts the wife in hysterics.’Listen love, I’m not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness…’