Category: bar & drinking

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and shirt front is wet. Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and beer unusually pale and clear. Fault : Glass is empty. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom : Feet cold and wet. Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom : Feet warm and wet. Fault : Loss of self-control. Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. Symptom : Lap cool and wet. Fault : Drooling on yourself. Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else. Symptom : Bar blurred. Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom :Bar moving. Fault : You are being carried out. Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked. Symptom: Bar looks like a circus. Fault : You’re at a circus. Solution : Go to a bar. Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. Fault : You have fallen over backwards. Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar. Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and cigarette butts. Fault : You have fallen over forwards. Solution : Same as for falling over backwards. Symptom : Everything has gone dim. Fault : The pub is closing. Solution : PANIC!!

Theres this bar out on a mountain and the only way to get to it is a bridge that leads right up to the door. There is one window and the ground in 1500 ft. down all around the bar.
There are two guys sitting at the bar and one of them says to the other one
“Hey. I bet you $50 that I can jump out of that window and walk right back through the door in 2 seconds without falling to my death”
The other guy says
“Your crazy! But hey! Its your funeral.”
So the guy puts the $50 on the bar, walks over to the window, jumps out and walks right back through the door just like he said.
The other guy amazed (and drunk of his ass)says
“Well if you can do it I sure as hell can do it”
So he slaps $50 on the table, walks over to the window, jumps out and plummets to his death.
The guy who won the bet turns to bartender and tells him to poor him a drink and the bartender says
“Damn, you can be a real ass when your drunk Superman!”

This guy was walking to the bar and outside there was a sign saying, �Pay a dollar, make the donkey laugh and get a free beer.� The guy does this and gets his free beer. The next night the guy sees a different sign. It reads, pay a dollar make the donkey cry and get a free beer. He does this and gets his free beer.The barman then asks, ” How did you do it?” The guy answers, ” To make the donkey laugh I told him my dick was bigger then his and to make him cry I showed him”

There were three guys in a hot tub, one was an asian , one was a muslim, and the other was a white guy.
They were all sitting there when the white guy heard a ringing noise and looked over to the muslim guy pushing buttons on his hand.
“hey” asked the white guy . “What are you doing?”
The muslim guy answered “oh, i got a chip put in my hand so my cell phone is planted in my hand.”
“oh, thats cool, ” said the white guy.
Then they were all kicking back when the white guy heard a beeping, and looked over to the asian guy pushing buttons in his wrist.
“what are you doing?” asked the white guy
“oh, i had a chip put in my wrist so my pager is planted into my wrist.”
“oh thats cool, ” said the white guy.
then the white guy got up to use the restroom because he had to go shit real bad.when he came back the muslim guy asked, “whats that?” , “oh, ” said the white guy ” i had a chip put into my ass so now i can get faxes!!”

a fat girl named Kaitlen, nicknamed cow, was very fat…she sat on a car n broke itt…it wuss soooo funnyy…

she had viena sausages for toes, watermelons for ass, porkchops for fingers, n a camel for a twat..lmfao..newayss, she sat on a car, n broke it, n went alll da way down 2 da earth….

everytime dere is an earthquake, dat means dats her burpen or farten

thanks

While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her.

“Say, honey-baby … I’d really like to get into those pants of yours.”

“Thanks,” she shot back, “But I’ve already got an a**hole in there.”

Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Yisman

A queer walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, son. We dont allow queers in this bar.”

The queer says, “I need a drink really bad, honey. I’ll sit in the very back and be very quiet!”

The bartender thinks for a while, and says, “Alright. Only ONE drink.” The queer takes the glass of beer and sits in the dark courner of the bar. Suddenly, a cowboy walks in with snakeskin boots and a cowskin cowboy hat.

He walks up to the bartender and says, “I’m so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off the balls of a cow!”

The queer looks up uncertainly and yells across the bar, “Moo, Moo, Buckaroo!”

The bartender is taken to court two days later for letting a half-baked drunk queer in the bar.

Q:How do you tell the difference between a bad girl and a good girl?

A: A good girl goes to a bar comes home and goes to bed.
A bad girl goes to a bar goes to bed then goes home.

What do you call two mexicans playing basketbal?
Whan on Whan.

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk.

Soon the lawyer realizes that the drunk is studying something in his hand and holding it up to the light.

“What do you have there?” asks the curious lawyer.

The drunk shakes his head. “Damned if I know,” he says. “It looks like plastic and it feels like rubber.”

“Let me take a look,” says the lawyer, and he rolls it between his fingers.

“You know, you�re right,” he says. “It does look like plastic, yet it feels like rubber. But I don�t know what it is. Where did you get it?”

The drunk replies, “Out of my nose.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

Bar Joke

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: – I reckon he’s an accountant.

Stuart: – No way – he’s a stockbroker.

Dave: – He ain’t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn’t come in
here!

The argument repeats itself until they are all drunk. Dave goes to the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder .
>>
Dave: – ‘Scuse me…. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: – No offence taken! I’m a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: – Oh! What’s that then?

Suit: – I’ll try to explain by example … Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: – Er… mmm… well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: – Well, it’s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

>> Dave: – It’s in a pond!

>> Suit: – Well it’s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: – As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

>> Suit: – Well then it’s logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: – As it happens I’ve got a five bedroom house ….. built it myself!

Suit: – Well given that you’ve built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: – Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: – Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: – Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: – Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate (wank) very often?

Dave: – Do what? Not me mate!

Suit: – Well there you are! That’s logical science at work!

Dave: – How’s that then?

Suit: – Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I’ve told you about your sex life!

Dave: – I see! That’s pretty impressive … thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: – I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: – Yep! He’s a logical scientist!

Stuart: – What’s that then?

Dave: – I’ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: – Nope

Dave: – Well then, you’re a wanker.

A man comes home late one night, drunk.

“Where have you been?” asks his wife.

“In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!”

This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.

“Do you have golden chairs?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have golden glasses?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have golden beer?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have a golden urinal?”

“Hold on.”

On the other end, she hears “I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone.”