Category: bar & drinking

A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she’s crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happend.

“As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long”!

The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket.

“He also said he wants to screw me all night long”!! By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table.

“He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night”!!! The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.

His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn’t doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.

The boyfriend says “I’m sorry Honey, – but I’m not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer”!

* One Star Hangover

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a huge steak and a side of gravy fries.

** Two Star Hangover No pain.

Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee/coca-cola you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a Bacon & Egg McMuffin combo (with orange juice!!!).Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing the internet and writing junk e-mails.

*** Three Star Hangover Slight headache.

Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86’d you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 V’s and a litre of diet coke – yet you haven’t peed once!

**** Four Star Hangover Life sucks.

Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars) your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High ’76.

***** Five Star Hangover AKA Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell.

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cubical Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pour and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners on your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You’d cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog/cat has just died because you look so pathetic.

You should have called in sick because, let’s face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state -which is a mystery to you because you definitely don’t remember who you were with, where you were, or what you drank. The only thing you can do is pass out. It’s when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you eat a large pizza,an order of KFC, a ham and cheese toastie and a batch of rice krispie treats.

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch.
The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year
Scotch and figures that the guy won’t be able to tell the difference. The guy
downs the Scotch and says: “This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically
asked for forty-year old Scotch.”

Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar, pulls
out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch, and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks
it down and says, “That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old
Scotch.”

So the bartender goes into the back room, brings out a bottle of thirty-year
old Scotch, and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around
the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the
guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for
forty-year old Scotch.

The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a
bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the
bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says; “Now this is
forty-year old Scotch!” The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

An old drunk, who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a
full shot glass of his own and says, “Here, take a swig of this�.

The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he
chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. “My God! That tastes like
piss,” he yells.

“Great guess,” says the drunk. “Now, how old am I?”

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving two of his best friends
behind to make it in America. To keep there tradition of nightly drinks alive,
every night he goes into an Irish-style pub and orders three pints. The
bartender, after a month of this, becomes curious, and asks the man what he’s
doing. Touched by the story, the bartender has the 3 pints ready for the man
every time he comes in. One day, the man tells the bartender to only give him 2
pints.

“My condolences,” says the bartender, thinking that one of the man’s friends
has died.

“No, no�, says the man, “they’re both still alive. I’ve just quit drinking.”

One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress
walks into a bar.

She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all
the people sitting at the bar and asks, ‘What man Out there will buy a lady a
drink?’

The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and
says, ‘Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a Drink.’

The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.

After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points
around at all of them, again revealing the hairy Armpit, saying,

‘What man out there will buy a lady a drink?’

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the
barman, ‘Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.’

After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little
drunkard and says, ‘It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but
why do you keep calling her a ballerina?’

To which, the drunken replies, ‘Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her
leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.

A guy and a girl met at a bar.

They’re getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands.

He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says, ‘You must be a dentist�.

The guy all surprised says, ‘Yes, how did you figure that out�?

The girl says, ‘Easy, you keep washing your hands’.

One thing led to another.

They make love.

After they were done, the girl says, ‘You must be a GREAT dentist�.

The guy was very surprised, he says, ‘Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did
you figure that out??’

The girl says, ‘Easy, I didn’t feel a thing!’

yo mamma is os old …. she used to gangbang wit the hebrews

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?” The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.” The bartender says, “What do you have?” The guy says, “75 cents.”

a guy walks into a bar… oww

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using
sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using
sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he
had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained
that these were regular customers and had taught him to
speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the
group were waving their hands around very wildly. The
bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned
you!” and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said,
“If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN
THE BAR!”

A guy goes into a pub, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender passes the drink to him and says “Here you go, Jackass”. The guy drinks up and ask’s, How about another? The second drink comes and again, the bartender says, “Here you go, Jackass”. Another man at the bar turns and says to the first man, “Why do you let this bartender call you Jackass?” The man replies, “Heeaww, Heeaww He always calls me that!”

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, “May I help you, sir?”The duck says, “Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass.”