Category: bar & drinking

Your daddys a theif he stole the stars from the sky & put them in your eyes.

YOUR MAMAS A THEIF SHE STOLE THE TYRES OFF MY CAR & PUT THEM
IN YOUR LIPS.

Q.what does the red neck say before he gets injured?
A. hey watch this.

A police man pulled over a car and told the driver he had won $5.000 dollars
in the seatbelt competition.
“What are you going to with the money?” asked the police man.”Well, I guess i
‘m gonna get a drivers license”, he answered. “Oh, don’t listen to him,” said a
woman in the passenger seat, “He always lies a lot when he is drunk.”Then the
kid in the backseat said, “I knew we wouldn�t t get far On a stolen car.”
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice Said, “Are we over
the borders yet?”

While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her.

“Say, honey-baby … I’d really like t’get into those pants o’yours.”

“Thanks,” she shot back, “but I’ve already got an asshole in there.”

What’s the difference between men and beer? When you’re done with the beer it’s still worth 5 cents.

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and
has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly
downs each one. “Whew,” the bartender remarked, “you seem to be in a hurry.”
“You would be too if you had what I have.”
“What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asked.
“Fifty cents.”

you look just like your momma but your momma but ses ugly.

An insect falls into a mug of beer.

English Man: Throws his mug of beer on the floor and walks out.

American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tube beer.

Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.
Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and
buys himself a new mug of beer.

Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates
the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy
another mug of beer.

Due to increasing products liability litigation alcohol manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcohol containers: => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w**ker. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to shay shings like thish. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may think you can converse logically with members of the opposite sex without spitting. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species or name you cannot remember). => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome and smarter than some really, really big guy named Dave. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe fat, ugly people are slim and attractive. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing WITH you. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time seem to literally disappear.

a group of blonds came to a bar and chanted “51 days! 51 days!” They ordered a bottle of champagne and sat at a big table. Soon more blonds came in and they chanted “51 days! 51 days!” The bartender asked: “Why are you chanting?” and they said, “Well, the ten of us got together to put together this puzzle. The box says 2-4 years, but we managed to do it in 51 days!”

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.’Are you the manager?’ she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.’Actually, no,’ he replies.’Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,’ she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. ‘I’m afraid I can’t,’ breathes the barman, clearly aroused. ‘Is there anything I can do?’ �Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,’ she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them. ‘Tell him,’ she says, ‘that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies’ toilet.’

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street.

Stopping her, they saw that she had had far too much to drink. Instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police cruiser, and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.

As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, but all she would say as she stroked the officer’s arm was, “You’re passionate.”

They drove a while longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm, “You’re passionate.”

The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, “Look, we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven’t told us where you live.”

She replied, “I keep trying to tell you, you’re passin it!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo and yisman